How do you expect someone to love you if you can't love yourself?
Guess no one will ever love me, then.
I'm disgusting to look at. I feel sick every time I get dressed or look down and see a whole load of grotesque fat. I hate myself more than anything. I hate the way I look. I feel sorry for people who have to look at me or touch me.
I won't get a boyfriend because of how I look. Everyone around me seems perfect, and I know that it's all in my head but they're the ones who have a good, healthy life. I'm the one who is stuck with the constant voices in my head telling me I'm no good, I'm nothing like everyone else.
And they lie. Their lies are the worst. They make me feel worse. "You're beautiful." Bullshit. "There's nothing wrong with you." Shut up. "Any man would be happy to have you." Go fuck yourself, you lying piece of shit."
They're just saying these things because they think it'll make me feel better. They don't mean it. How could they? I know what I look like. I've seen myself in the mirror.
Cutting was my relief, my escape. The way the scars decorated my body was something I prefered to see rather than my horrible, fat self plain and big. They were a reminder of how much I hated myself and they acted like a camouflage; the more red, raw cuts, the less I saw the real me.
But I don't do that anymore. I have nothing. I just have to live with looking at my sickening body without the marks of hatred.
I just want to be able to see myself in a way that isn't going to make me jump off a bridge.
I want the voices to stop.
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