I'm super insecure, but also I think I'm fabulous

Like, I feel like a walking contradiction most days.

Because I'm comfortable with who I am and who I've become. I mean, in like middle school and probably even the first three years of high school I was like just... not okay with my body and who I felt I was trying to be.

I went through these phases where I would feel upset or happy or angry - not because I genuinely felt those emotions - but because that's how I felt I was supposed to feel and act. Like I would always do and say what everyone else around me did and felt, because that's what I thought was normal, and then I kind of just figured out one day that I was really sick of lying to myself.

Like, screw that.

I like myself when I'm sitting alone in my room, and when I look in the mirror I like what I see. It's when I step outside and I start telling myself that in comparison I could be smarter, or funnier, or prettier, and I think one day I just told myself "this is really dumb, like, this is so fucking stupid."

And it didn't flip some magic switch.

It took me so long to get to a place where I do genuinely think I'm fabulous. Because I am. I decided that I was going to be responsible for my own happiness, and I was going to stop lying to myself, and I was going to stop denying myself the pleasure of my own amazing person.

But I am also still just as insecure and terrified on the inside; always. I didn't get into this internship that I applied for, and I knew going in that it was really competitive and it was a long shot, but still... Because, even though I tell myself that it's not a direct reflection of my own self worth, it's hard to take "No."

Because it's not the first "no" I've ever gotten, it's one in a long succession of "no's" and it wears at my self confidence because, it's hard to persevere in the face of bleak and complete failure.

It's like, super hard.

And it sucks a lot.

A lot.

Because I feel so much pressure to graduate, to find a job, to be successful, to find a man, to get married, to have kids, to be a mom - and I realized that I was doing it again. I was doing, and feeling, and saying everything that people expected me to do.

So it's hard to be okay.

It's actually totes okay to not be okay.

Because I'm never going to be weak for not knowing how to live my life. I'll be confused for a little while, but I know that things will be better.

So.

Love h.