Giving Up on Love?

I've been seeing a lot of stuff on the Internet about relationships and dating and such, and it has me dwelling on things.

I'm not the kind of person who has men lined up waiting to date me. In fact, it's rare when one actually shows interest. I've had five boyfriends, but only one is worth mentioning. He was my first--and only--love. We were together for over ten months and he broke up with me because, in his words, as great as I was to him, he wasn't sure if there was a future for us. It broke my heart, but we still talk. I'm still not over him, but I'm not getting into that.

This was over a year ago, and since then I've been trying to fix my life. I made a promise to myself that I'm not going to date or get into a relationship until I was sure I was happy with myself. Easier said than done, because I'm still not happy.

There was a time that I was perfectly fine with being single. I didn't have to worry about someone else and it was drama-free, and I liked it. But now when I say "I don't want to date, it's too much drama, I want to stay single for awhile" I feel like there's apart of me who is lying. Other times when I was single, I felt free, but I never felt lonely. Is being independent really worth feeling like this?

A few years ago, my best friend Karen told me that she didn't see me settling down with someone because I was almost always single, and looking back, I don't see it either. I mean, I love the idea of falling in love, getting married, having kids, and living happily ever after, but as much as I want it, I know my life isn't a Disney movie. I don't fall in love easily, and I really don't want to get hurt again. That heartbreak I mentioned really messed me up because I was actually in love with him and I thought he was my "one true love". Look how well that turn out.

My friends and family tell me that I'll find someone better than him, and that someone will be "the one". But what if that doesn't happen? What if that maybe, just maybe, I'm meant to be alone? Maybe if I finally give up, I'll find some way to be okay with it. Or maybe I'm just dwelling because I'm too young to deal with this crap.

Ugh. Depressing rant is depressing. Have some mermaid lovin'.

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January 21st, 2014 at 08:20am