lost it all in three a months time

I Lost It All...
Current mood: confused

its been a while since ive written a sincere journal where i wasn't utterly pissed or completely broken down. I've been inspired recently while reading some other journals and i realized something.... this is MY journal. I write how i feel and if anyone has a problem with that they don't HAVE to read. So to those of you wo are easily offended; leave because i really don't want to hear your bull shit.

So i suppose i should start at the beginning of my summer. End of my freshman year should have been the best day of my life but instead... i had to say goodbye to some people i wasn't really willing to say good bye to. One of which i "thought" i really loved and honestly i really did. That entire ordeal blew up in my face as i ended up cutting every string of communication with him. Unwillingly? very much so. Did i need to? once again, very much so. The entire relationship was driving me to clinical depression. Maybe i should have conducted myself better and actually said goodbye properly but instead final words of hate ended the tedious friendship. From there things only got worse.

One day not too long after a car pulled in my drive-way belonging to my good friend and ex-boyfriend that had recently graduated. Before i knew it i was standing there nearly in tears as he said he was joining the marines. I haven't heard from him since. I know i said i didn't want more than a friendship from him but... i atleast wanted that. I don't know where he is or what he is doing, but i know i miss him more than anything and i would do anything to give him one last hug. He said he loved me when he left and i'll never forget those words... ever.

Everything was smoothe saililng until about July. A concert was coming up (one which i would probably give my dignity to go to... almost) and my brother had asked me to find tickets... one thing led to another and it turned out his wife was mad at me. His wife, the one i considered my sister even before they were married, basicaly hated me. I felt like i was losing my oldest brother and for the next two weeks i did nothing less of crying myself to sleep. Laughing in the day to hold my composer. She said I was the sole reason her and my brother EVER fought. I guess no one knew how bad it hurt me to have my"sister" hate me or my brother leaving me. I never thought i would see him again. Words my mother spoke to me changed my life forever "If he takes her side remember he is still your brother, and if he needs us we'll be there." I was so scared, i cried, prayed, and cursed God for whatever he was doing, i just wanted it to stop. The rate it was going i would never see my nephew and neise again. Those of you who know me enough, know that i love them mor than anything i this world. I would give anything for them. I didn't want to lose them too. Even now i only see my brother, nephew, and neise maybe once every two weeks.... if im lucky.

This summer has taken a lot out of me and has given me a lot too but it seems thta a part of me was lost in the chaous. I still can't help but cry for losing my friend, or not hearing from Tom, and even though i see my brother.... i feel like i lost him in the end. So to those of you that didn't know any of this... well now you do, and to those of you who knew this.... know you know the extent it was too.