Finally Deciding To Get Help.

As most of you know who have been following me and my blogs for years on here.....I am one of those fifty/fifty type of people. Most of the time I'm all bubbly and happy and posting fun blogs.....then the rest I am fucking down at rock bottom depressed and feeling utterly and overwhelming worthless. It really doesn't take a genius to know that there is something wrong with me....

I've been battling with these horrible feelings for years and this past year it's only gotten worse. I always told myself I didn't want to go get help because I know they like to push medication on people....most of them anyway without actually caring or trying to sort out your problems in other ways.

But....the word "Therapist" can be broken down as "The Rapist." So I guess in a sense they rape your wallet for the cash they get. I know not all therapists are quacks and only care about the money but it worries me about when I go to look for one. There's the issue of me not having insurance as well. I have dental and vision through my husband's insurance at work but not health insurance. If we had signed up for that then his checks would be super super cut into and we have A LOT OF monthly bills to pay. I mean for his therapist and addiction counselor alone each month it costs about $500 with prescriptions and everything.

There's also the issue that growing up....I never wanted to be one of those people who NEEDED pills to be OKAY. I've always been so bitter about it because I shouldn't NEED fucking pills and medication to be happy. I know a lot of people suffer with depression but there's been so many times that I've become angry and envious of people out there who on the surface....seem to have their life together and are happy.

Everyone gets the blues SOME TIMES in life.....but my blues seem constant. It really pisses me off too when people ask you how you are doing....and you tell them you've been better and then they look at you like you're a leper because you have depression or they act like it's something you can fucking help or change overnight or at your own will.

Well....NEWS FUCKING FLASH! If I could just snap my little fingers and no longer be depressed ever again....don't you think I'd have already done that long ago? Why would I or anyone WANT to be depressed? I'd love to wake up each day and not be afraid that the tears are going to fall against my will. That this big black hole inside me is going to open up and try to swallow me whole all the time. I'd love to just hop out of bed....throw my clothes on and grasp life by the horns with a natural smile on my face. I mean some days....I can do that....but more days than not....I'm barely moving along and just struggling to get through the day without a break down.

I honestly wouldn't wish depression on anyone....not even my worst enemy. It's sad when you get to a point some days where you just don't want to exist or be awake anymore. I'm not talking about dying or suicide.....I conquered those feelings when I was 16 and seriously depressed..... I'm just saying that sometimes the emotional pain is SO GREAT that I'd just like to be able to turn my brain off for a bit and not think, just to get some rest and to get a break from the hurt.

So against my true wishes.....I'm thinking about finding a doctor to go see. I just can't deal with this anymore on my own. I've tried what feels like everything to battle it myself.... music, writing, walks, yoga, meditation, talking to friends.....all of that only eases the pain temporarily and then I crash....crash so hard and it hurts worse each time.

This is getting to the point where it affects my job. At work.....I feel like I don't fit in even though I know those people I've worked with for years do love me and are glad to see me. They always greet me every morning with a smile on their face and I return it most days....it's just on my bad days....I kind of seize up and freeze. I feel bad too because I don't want to be rude to people. I've always had bad social anxiety too.

It was so horribly intense back in the day. I struggled so hard just to branch out enough to make friends and talk to people. I did good for a few years and was this really social butterfly....even though most of the time I felt horribly uncomfortable and just wanted to hide. I'm kind of back to that point now.....I hermit myself away besides being with my husband and my immediate family. My friends and I don't really hang out much anymore....but I try to make plans with them but I just feel like a damn burden with half of them. I don't trust people because nearly every time that I have, they fuck me over so now I kind of just think what's the point of wanting to make real life friends?

Like I've always been self reserved and okay by myself.... I have my imagination and can be content with my alone time....in fact I NEED it most days or I go postal so to speak lol....but then....I snap back to reality and realize I'm lonely and need human interaction but my anxiety just takes hold and I'd almost rather bury my head in the sand than have to face people or put in effort with them.

That's a big part of why I have online friends. When you're friends with people online.....you don't have to project expressions or physical emotional, ya know? You can keep all of that stuff just with intellectual conversation and express yourself with just your words. You don't have to worry about being uncomfortable or that you're acting the right way or what that person is going to think of you while you're standing face to face. Honestly I just feel broken as a person. I can't even explain it. I like getting attention from people in real life but it's like when they give it.....I automatically lock up and just freak out inside.

I know that I seem anti social to some people. Some people call me stuck up but what these people don't understand is.....inside me....I'm fighting a losing battle it feels and it's a CONSTANT ONE. I'd love to just jump right in with a crowd and be the life of the party but there's something that just stops me no matter how hard I fight against the damn shit. I'm admitting that I need help. The only person stopping me from getting help is me.

My husband has always battled attention disorder and so he finally got some pills. He still can't focus like 100% but pills usually only help problems like that....not clear them up completely. I can see a big difference in him though since he's started the pills. He's not so anxious or instantly angry over tiny things that aren't usually angering/frustrating to the average person. He's more....mellow now and not as high strung.

I mean he's battled with addiction and then a very demanding job for awhile now so that's REALLY taken a toll on his mental state. I'm so much happier for him now that the medication is helping. He's easier to be around and doesn't bite my head off over nothing. So seeing the change in him and how medication has helped....it's kind of made me a believer that maybe medication CAN help me too.

I mean it's getting to the point now where I'm so miserable that if I have to be on medication forever....even if it makes me feel a little better....that's gotta be worth the risk, right? I know a lot of this has to do with it being Winter. When it's so cold you can't do the same things you usually do in warmer months. I used to go to the park and walk.....being outside in nature really helped me gain perspective on things. I was just naturally happy because the sun was shining and there was even a different atmosphere around and smell in the air. I know there's such a thing as the "Winter Blues" but I have depression problems even in the middle of summer. While everyone else is out at the water park or having fun....I'll be holed up in my room in the dark, alone.

So I'm just trying to keep an open mind here and at least seek help. If not just for the medication....maybe to at least be finally diagnosed with something and hear that I have an actual disorder other than me just being weird and crazy. I'll have to wait a few weeks before I can go because I've got to pay for the Rock On The Range tickets first for Avenged Sevenfold lol.

To anyone out there who also suffers with depression, attention disorders or social anxiety, my heart goes out to you and I wish I could take that pain away because I know what it feels like. It sucks to have people say that we "fake" having mental illnesses just to get attention when we struggle with pain everyday. Maybe if they took a walk in our shoes they'd rethink before insulting people. It sucks to have our friends who don't have depression not talk to us as much because they call us "downers" like we can help it or somethin. Just promise me you won't feel completely alone because there are others out there hurting too and experiencing it. You're not alone. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here. Also, admitting you need help is NOT a bad thing. It doesn't make you any less of a person.