Hello again, old friend

I've struggled with an eating disorder for a very very long time.
And recently, I've felt okay. I've been recovering like a pro. Seriously, purging's been better, binging hasn't been so bad, I haven't been restricting.

But now I'm scared.
I'm so so scared.
Because now all the stress is moving in. I'm starting to look at colleges, and everyone's telling me how I have to pick the right one, and I have to get good grades, and I need to get a scholarship, and blah blah blah. And then I come home and sit in my room and I'm SO stressed, and I just feel like I can't take it. I start getting thoughts again, like Ed (my eating disorder for those of you who don't know the lingo) is coming back. And I remember that for a long time I felt safe and good and like I was doing everything right and that I had everything in control- when I was throwing up after my meals and restricting calories. And then I look at what's happening now. I have NO control over my life. I'm spinning out of control, I don't know what to do! I'm scared and I'm stressed, and I'm starting to feel fat and worthless and just the urge to purge. I don't want to, it's been so long. It took such a fucking long time to get to where I am. Haven't purged in months. I don't want to throw it all away just because I've lost control of everything, but I remember at least that when I controlled my eating and purging at least I had control of something! Because now it's all planned snacks and balanced dinners and "time to take your meds" and "oh yeah don't forget to do your homework" and "it's time to start looking at colleges" and "you're gonna be 18 soon" and I'm freaking out. I don't know what to do, and I'm scared, and I just need someone to tell me everything is going to be okay and just talk to me because I don't wanna go back to how things used to be.

I just feel like the only person who's here for me to fall back on is Ed, and tbh my ED is a prick.

Okay, I'm done freaking out. I just needed to let it out or else I was going to explode and cry.