I Remember Everything.

So I really hope none of you waste your time reading this. I've been a massive fucking wreck this last week. I have this playlist I made of just a couple songs.. All Angel No Wings by To Be Juliet's Secret, I Lost Her by Brighten, Please Don't Say You Love Me by Gabrielle Aplin, Children Of Divorce by Johnny Criag, and Trust Me by The Fray. That's my playlist. The one that I always listen to. The other night I was standing in my kitchen with one headphone in. Bullshitting with both my roommates. Talking about the future and Children of Divorce came on, I believe I was actually serving a knifer to one of the girls and I started bawling. I closed my eyes and I could feel and see our first kiss in the thunderstorm. I could remember sitting by your feet on the back porch as you told him you were engaged. I remember walking to the beach and letting you drive my car. Even though your driving scared the shit out of us both. We got asked if we were twins or that really sweet guy we saw walking down the street when we were holding hands and all wrapped up in each other and he told us how happy we looked. I could see the look we were giving the guy at Applebee's for staring at our scars. I remember cuddling with Liz in the big chair out back. I remember purposing. Laying on the couch with you watching the food network. I remember the music festival. And I remember both the beaches we went to. I remember every single secret you told me.. And I remember feeling your heart beat against my chest. I remember the taste of your mouth on mine and I remember what it felt like to have your cold hands on my skin. I miss it all. I miss your voice when I wake up and how you always got up before me because you didn't want me to see you with bed head. I miss laying on my mom's couch watching scary movies. I miss the way you looked at me in the dark, like I was enough light to guide you home. I miss listening to you reccomend all our favorite bands to my sister. I miss the look in my friends and family's eyes when they saw us together. Because for the first time ever I was happy. I miss the sex. Oh yeah. I def miss that. I miss when we couldn't get enough of each other.. Just "one more" kiss. Just one more. I even miss standing at the airport with you bawling my eyes out. I miss kissing you goodbye, I miss driving around the block leaving your house because I had to have one more hug. I miss it all. I miss your disfunctional family. Oh god. I miss it all. I don't miss the lies, the doubt or the shitty way you left me. Left me for dead. I don't miss finding out that MY girl left me for a guy. And I really don't miss the broken heart I still live with. You're still beautiful. More beautiful than anything or anyone I've even experienced. But the thing is? I smoke a lot of weed because of this emptiness. I used to do meth, Molly, coke and my all time favorite.. Shrooms just so I wouldn't have to think of you. Just to get the pain, agony and this soul devoring numbness out of my chest. Out of my mind. I thought I could fry the memories out but they just got more vivid. I don't drink nearly as much as I used to. It used to be a daily thing. Now I just smoke every night so I'll sleep. I smoke till I can't move, then I pass the fuck out. But I need to figure out some type of closure because I have to quit smoking. I just applied for the fire academy to become a paid firefighter and eventually a paramedic. But the thing is? It still doesn't mean shit to me. I met a girl. And I'm hoping that helps. I haven't dated anyone since I lost you, that was over a year ago. So maybe it's time to try again? Just know I don't hate you. I could never hte you. I'm very much still in love with you. I always will be. But maybe? "Some people were meant to fall in love, but never be together." So this is my little white flag, I surrender. I give up. Will you tell me why you really left me so I can finally get some closure? Please. And give your little sister a hug for me. I miss her almost as much as I miss you..