General thoughts for the year.

I'd like to say that this is not a happy blog post.

This year is my last year of high school. So, I should be doing homework right now, not writing this, but there are some things that are more important.
My year 12 retreat is coming up, which is similar to a camp, but since I'm at a Catholic school, it's more of a religious and spiritual thing, while telling people about yourself, or not. Personally I'm not someone who opens up, mainly because I'm friends with a lot of those people, and they don't need to know these things about me. I'm made a nice wall, they don't need to know what's behind it. Admittedly, it's just the emotions, the rest of the way I act is really just me, minus the extensive emotions, aside from happiness and anger.

But this year is getting too difficult already. I've been at school for 8 days and it's already awful. Perhaps it's not the stress issue, it's the friend aspect. I have some good friends, but I also have some very depressed friends. And dealing with the constant fear that two people I really love have the constant will to kill themselves, is not okay. I wake up in the morning with the knowledge that they might not. But I can't just stop contact with them, that's awful and I care about them, but I can't deal with knowing that today might be the last time I speak to them.

I've gotten more homework this week alone, than I did for the whole of last year. And the teachers said that it's only going to get harder after retreat. I think I'm ready for it, but it's still terrifying. Apparently this year will be the best year. I'm an adult this year. I will legally be an adult. I'll be able to get my license, be able to vote, be able to drink and trial as an adult in court. This is awful, this isn't alright. I don't want to be an adult and I don't want to finish this year. I don't really want to deal with any other years either.

Do you ever get the feeling where you want to die, but you don't want to die? I have that a lot and it's probably one of the most awful feelings.

That's all I want to say now.