Tell Me Goodnight and Let it Go.

Losing you was one of the worst things that ever happened to me. It was, really. Worse things have happened, but to me, losing you was horrific. When I was told, it was a message over Skype from a friend of yours. The same message was sent to every one of your contacts. I never got an explanation, I never got closure. I don’t know why you did it, I don’t know why you seemed to set my whole world on fire but you did and I never heard from you again.

I was told you’d had an accident but I think the person who told me didn’t really know the definition of accident because what you’d done was so purposeful and deliberate it makes me feel sick.

The day you drove your family’s car at a wall at 120kms/h was the same day you could drive on your own. You couldn’t even wait a day. You broke your sternum, you broke ribs that punctured your heart and your lungs filled with blood. And your body survived it. But your head had given up.

As I’m looking to the sky to count the stars, I wonder if you see them where you are. I’m down on both my knees and pray tomorrow brings no pain.

I’m not angry at you.

I’m not angry at the fact that I have to live forever wondering why. I’m not angry because I don’t have closure. I couldn’t give a fuck about closure.

I’m angry because my good luck message went unseen, I’m angry because your friend told me “she would have loved that.”. I know you’d have loved it. I’m angry you felt like no one cared but I cared so fucking much, I just had no idea how to show it because we weren’t those type of friends and I was scared I’d pour my heart out to you and have you call me an idiot. And I’m angry because I don’t know what I could have done, should you have come home and talked to me. I’m angry because I sit here for hours hoping to see you sign in. I’m angry because I never sign out of Skype. I’m angry because I feel useless.

I’m seeing your favourite band in twelve days. I can’t believe I’m seeing them for the second time and you never saw them once. Please, please be there.
February 9th, 2014 at 07:22pm