I Think...

I'm sorry I've been distant lately, sometimes I just get stuck inside my own head. I think about the past and where I am today. I think about the situations and every possible out come. I think about moving back in with my family and I have to remind myself that I'm not a failure for it. I have to repeatedly tell myself my family doesn't see it as a burden. I think about what will happen if I get this job and how in the long run all I need is to get hired at this place. Then a giant weight can be lifted from my shoulders. I think about time and how there's never enough of it in my opinion. I think about addiction and what it was like that first high. The path I chose to take and how handcuffs hurt when you're in the back of a cop car but not when you're in bed. I think about the last time I got high before my breakdown and what it felt like to be revived at the last minute. How angry I was because I finally succeeded at something I wanted to do but it was taken away from me. I think about how my life doesn't actually belong to me and how taking it is really stealing parts of life from the people that love you the most. Then I remember that a girl I was in love with once told me that. Then I think about her and where she is today. If she's happy, and I remember what it felt like to sit under a bridge with her and talk about our monsters and demons. I remember the first time we hung out after two years of no communication and how I told her about the hospital and the empty darkness in my chest that never goes away. But then my thoughts wander back to the present and how I met you. How I talk to you everyday. I think about how you deserve to find someone some day that isn't consumed by this darkness. Someone that won't hide in bed for days at a time because she doesn't know if she has the strength to even walk to the other side of the room to put on pants. I remember how I can't seem to put my pain into words. But I can tell you it's crippling and unbearable. I'd never let someone feel even a fraction of my pain. Monsters are real. They are human. Am I a monster? My scars burn with memories. But I know you deserve someone who will love you. And take care of you. I think about how we could chase each other around the house. Build pillow forts. Wrestle in the mud on hiking trips. I think I will fall in love with the way you smile. Or your laugh. I think about the places we would go and the new experiences we could have. I think about what it'd be like to kiss you. And fuck you. But also I think about what it'd be like to spend years with you. If a couple years is all we would be. Then we move on. I think about what that would feel like. But then I think about it all over again and it never stops. Then I remember that I am me. I also think about the sunrise and sunset. And I wonder if when I think my last thought what it will be. I wonder when I'm gone what people will remember of me?