Trouble in Paradise. Help.

This weekend has been crazy really. Saturday night I had a 6 hour shift turn into an 8 hour shift at work, and then I barely heard from my boyfriend at all that night. That should have been my first clue. Sunday I woke up feeling like I didn't want to talk to anyone or socialize with anyone, including him. So, I resorted to cleaning and rearranging my room. That evening I decided to finally message my boyfriend and see if he was okay. When I saw him reply the first thing that came to mind was, he better no be breaking up with me. Keep in mind I also had a feeling I'd be seeing him Sunday. They were right when they said be careful what you wish for. Anyways, his first question was, do you think we should date? Somehow I knew that was coming. He hadn't talked to me at all that day and I just knew something was wrong.

On the second try I finally got him to answer his phone and we talked for about thirty minutes, and he asked if I wanted to come down to see him, if that would make me feel better. And of course it would, because I wanted to talk about this stuff in person and not over the phone. I held back tears during that conversation, and the two and a half hour drive to see him a few songs broke my heart all over again. I love this man with all of my heart, and when asked if I see myself with him years and years down the road, I said yes.

Now, I drove down here fully expecting for it to end, because I wasn't and am not going to force him to stay if he doesn't want to. As much as I want to do that, I can't. I just want him to be happy, even if that means he'll be happy without me.

Right now I'm very confused. I know we're still together, and it hurt me to hear that two of his closest friends wanted us to break up for own good. Even if it's in good intention, it still hurts.

So, when I got here he was waiting outside for me and the first thing he did was pull me into him before we went inside. I sat on his bed and held me to him again, and I cried. I cried like I want to now because my heart had been truly broken for the first time ever. He apologized over and over again, and kept repeating that it was okay. Once I stopped crying we sat down in front of each other and he asked me, what do you find wrong with me, and I blanked like I always do when people ask me a question. I'll have answers before they ask, but never when they ask.

Now I am trying to think of things that I find wrong with him, because he needs to know and I need to know what he finds wrong with me so that we can work on them, together hopefully. I say that because there have been times where it doesn't even feel like we're dating, times when we feel more like friends with benefits. And I hate those times. I just want to feel more like a couple. I want to feel like I did when he wrapped me in his arms and I just felt like that was where I belonged, is where I belong. This city he lives in, the place I'll be calling home in about 5 months, has become just that, my home, and he's a big part of that home. A part that I don't want to lose, but know that if we went to being friends it would always be a constant reminder of the heart break. Still, we made a promise to each other that if things didn't work out that we'd stay friends and I want to stick to that.

1. He may say I sound condescending some times, which I do, but a lot of the time he thinks he's better than most people. And that's just frustrating.
2. I do have a tendency to get jealous when he's with other girls, alone, because I know he cheated on his ex, and I don't us to end up like that. But I do try to repress my jealous tendencies.
3. Yes, I am curious about what it would be like to be with another girl sexually, but he shouldn't pressure me into doing that.
4. There was a time when he was super sweet to me, but these days that can be said very often. I miss that. And I just want that back. I want this relationship to work and last, but he has to want that too.

I don't think he pisses excellence, because I know he doesn't. It's just hard to think of bad things about him when I'm sitting here blaming myself for everything. So, I'm asking you mibba for a little bit of advice and help. Don't worry about telling me what I don't want to hear, I can take it, because I have to. So, please, I really do need help right now.
February 10th, 2014 at 09:13pm