Changes and Loss, and the affect on those left behind.

So much can change in such a short space of time. Can go from being blissfully unaware to total heart break in the space of a week.

I had the unfortunate pleasure of experiencing this. Five weeks ago my dad dropped me back at uni after christmas break. My mum had been in hospital for the past 7 months but thankfully looking at being discharge within the next few months. Four weeks ago today, at this time I was ringing round family member to say that my beautiful adorable lovely mother who would do no harm to anyone.....unless you were a spider or had hurt one of her children (which is understandable) had passed away.

I know time is meant to be a great healer but as the weeks have passed there is just a gaping hole left. I do stupid stuff like talking to my flat mates and say 'my mum will' then I realise and they change the subject. I go to text her something I have done that we would call my 'blonde' moment and really I should have been born blonde I can be so ditzy on times. I go to phone her to tell her about training or what my strange/gross flat mate has done this time. Just to rant and be a normal teenager.

I find myself cry to myself which to me seems completely stupid. I have the image of what she looked like when I walked into the room to find she had gone (the nurses forgot to stop me on my dad wishes.)

And what I find the hardest, is that is had nothing to do with what she was admitted with. Something no-one was prepared for at all. And possible even hard, everything just continues like normal. Like nothing happened. Like she was never there to those certain people or they try and avoid you because they dont know what to say to the girl with the dead mother.

And then a week after she passed I had a birthday card (as it was my 19th) with money off a family member who never gives us money saying as it was a special time she thought a fiver might help. So I got pity money from an Aunt. What a way to make someone feel slightly better.