The mess I'm in

I'm going to my friend's Party and we headed over to go see a movie. I'm in a group of four girls, Kat, Ruby, Taylor, and Tay. Then Kat's dad and step dad, Patrick and Steven. Now I really wanted to help celebrate so I was fine with it. We get to the movies and I need to use the bathroom. I'm not comfortable going into the boys' room yet, but I'm not using the girls' bathroom. Kat knows how I feel, but I don't wanna ruin her birthday. She's my best friend and I just love her to death. Soon I get self conscience and then I start getting depressed. None of the other girls know about my situation either or her parents. And I really don't want to explain myself to them.

Then they ask me to say the night. A girls sleepover?! What!? Why me? Then I say YES! Kat begged me. I don't think she understands fully I how I feel about my gender. So I'm here and she acts like its all fine. But I'm over here being anti social. Kat let me borrow her phone and I texted my boyfriend. I told him what happened and all he can say is, "awe. I'm sorry".

I literally began to cry In The bathroom! He didn't even understand. I asked him if he did and he said "nope. You ok?"

I had already told him I wasn't ok! Why?! Why was this happening!? And to me!?

I told him I was fine. I lied to him. Finally I got my shit together and went outside to catch my breath. My boyfriend calls and I'm like "now I can explain and yell at him" but when I answer...he's made a conference call with our friend, Zack. He told me he wanted to talk alone! They don't even notice I'm there crying. They're just talking and I'm not even in the conversation. I was so tempted to hang up, but I didn't. Soon we got off the phone and I completely cut myself off from the real world.

So here I am. I'm very uncomfortable as everyone's almost asleep. This is the mess I'm in.

I hate being biologically a girl. No one is taking me seriously when I say I want to be a boy. That I am a boy. No one. Not my boyfriend. My best friend. Or my parents.

Damn it all to hell.