What now?

Lately, I've been seeing a change in me. And I don't even know if it has anything to do with just who I am, or what's been happening these past few years. I remember wanting to get an education so that I could have a great job, and do what I love most: which is to help people. But lately, I don't want anything to do with any of my classes. I don't even want to hang out with my friends that I have, and when I do it's rare.

Not to mention the fact that one of my best friends just so happens to be putting me down even more. Sometimes, she makes me feel really insecure about how I feel about myself. Or she talks down to me. And let's not forget to mention that any guy I really like, she ends up going after. There was this one guy that I had contemplated on dating, and he was even going to ask me--but I turned him down, afraid and not quite ready. Then I find out he had fucked her. Then I tell her I am interested in someone, and she has the balls to look me in the face and blatantly say: Clearly he doesn't like you the same way. Is that how you should address this matter if you two are "best friends" no.

Not to mention I'm realizing she is a terrible, judgmental hypocrite. But this is not the point. The point is that, I think part of why I am feeling so down recently is because I don't know how to drop our friendship because she literally has no friends. I get people complaining about her all the time, and being the best friend I'm supposed to be, I try my best to stick up for her.

But it's getting so much harder to justify her acts when she lies, or hides it, or sounds so....stupid.

And on top of all this, the only best friend that I really ever had that I could talk to was my sister, and she ran away. We don't even talk now, or see each other. And it's so hard to come home to my family, who are all a little judgmental. I know I told them I don't want her home.

But I lied. I lied. I want her home. I need her home. She was the only person who really ever understood exactly who I was. And she accepted that. And I never really knew how much I needed her until last month, when a family member of mine had passed away.

You see, my mom had passed last year due to over dosing. And we never got closure because there was no funeral for her. And last month, it was as if I was reliving the whole experience again--like, this was God's way of saying: Here, here, Krissy, you can breathe now.

But I can't. And I find college becoming harder for me. I find trying to make my parents happy with me really hard to, because I just don't want to do anything.

Sorry, guys, I just needed to get some things off my chest here.