I've been trying to decide what to write after Declaration of a Suicide is over (check it out) and I usually draw story ideas fron my own personal experiences. So I've been combing through some buried memories of mine and the fact that its almost 4am and I've had no sleep is making certain memories that I tend to keep locked away break out. I'm just going to use this blog to vent about it and maybe...make someone more aware?
My first serious relationship was with a guy who was emotionally and verbally abusive and even though its been years since I've spoken to him I remember a lot of the pain he caused me. We started talking when o was 14 and he was 17 but I had lied about my age. I was "off" with my on-again-off-again girlfriend Marissa (which I don't consider a serious relationship at all) and I met this guy through a friend so we started talking a lot and he was the most down to earth person to have a conversation with. Feelings grew pretty fast and we got into an argument because he was afraid I was going to get back into my relationship with Marissa, which I definitely would have.
I should have seen the warning signs but I didn't. I didnt even know what to look for. In this argument, before we even started dating, he called me a worthless whore. He was the first person to call me worthless, and no one has ever called me that since him and its always been something to stick with me. I told Marissa about this and she really pushed me to stay away from him and just be with her. I defended my guy of course and said he didn't mean it, which I truly believed at the time. I accused her of being jealous because I could move on and she couldn't so we stopped talking.
So this guy and I start dating and its really good. He's insanely attractive, older, funny, and sweet as hell. But there were bad days like if I spent time with my friends or my family over him. Or if I didn't text or call after a certain period of time. He'd accuse me of cheating and fucking around (I was a virgin) and in a matter of minutes I'd go from being his everything to a useless bitch, or a stupid faggot. Any degrading word you can think of, he used it. And I forgave him. I defended him. My friends found out and I swore to them he didnt mean it, he was just upset, it was my fault.
I don't understand how I loved this guy so much. I'd have to stay up until 3 or 4 in the morning to stop him from posting insults on my facebook wall or private things I told him. If he was up all night I had to be up or else I was cheating. Or if I loved him I'd skip class and be with him. Just mindgames for almost a year and a half of my life. And I honestly blamed myself for everything. He was gorgeous and talented while I was some punk kid with low self esteem and anxiety issues. He broke up with me countless times just to get me to beg to have him back. I remember saying to him I didn't care how he treated me, he could use me and abuse me and hate me as long as he stayed in my life.
Like I don't know what was wrong with me because now I realize how fucked up that is to be completely dependent on an asshole but I needed him. I lost almost all of my friends, my anxiety got worse, and every morning I'd have to wake up and remember that I was worthless and only one person would ever want me.
Then we stopped talking less, he stopped coming to see me, and he just started ignoring me. I'd send text after text, emails, messages, anything. He told me he got a girl pregnant and he didn't want me anymore and I had to accept that. And it took time but I did. Then a few months later he pops back into my life. And by this time I'm dating again and that makes him livid. He calls me all sorts of names and tells me how stupid I am and how he hopes I get hurt, he hopes I die, I deserve to be with someone as ignorant as me etc etc and I haven't heard from him since.
The sad part is that I miss him. There will be times when he just pops into my mind. Thats my first love. He destroyed my self-worth yet I feel like if he showed up tomorrow and apologized and said he missed me I'd take him. And if I'm having a bad day I can look in the mirror and remember everythibg he said to me and feel as worthless as I did 3 years ago.
I don't know how to get over it. I don't have anyone to talk to about it so maybe its just festering inside me but I would never use a degradi g term on someone, not even as a joke. Words have a lot of power and impact on people. Especially someone with a history oe low-self esteem and self-harm and...you just have to be careful. I mean it doesn't matter what age you are if ita its emotional or verbal of physical abuse you have to be careful and you have to be strong and you have to consider if you're doing whats best for you. I wish I would've had more support back then and someone would have said "You deserve better and here's how I will help." but I can't change the past, only learn from it.
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