I need someone to listen to me

I need someone to listen to me, but I feel like lately when I talk, no one hears me. Or maybe I'm talking but I can't put my thoughts into words.

I've always been much better at writing my thoughts than I have speaking them. I always put a wall up, and that wall blocks myself and other people from uncovering my thoughts and feelings.

I am 20 years old. I just got my driver's license on January 21. I got my first job on February 11, and it ended on February 18.

I feel utterly useless to everyone around me, but I know, and everyone else knows, that I can do great things. All I need to do is let go.

I am in love with my best friend. We met at the end of our freshman year of high school. He fell in love with me the very first time I talked to him. We started dating December 3, 2011. And now, 15 months later, I may lose him.

I am immature. I am lost. I am scared.

My boyfriend, the love of my life, told me a few weeks ago that he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me anymore. But it's not because he fell out of love with me; it's because he loves me. He is scared for my future. I'm not doing anything to better my future. I wasn't doing anything.

He wants a future with me, and I with him. The only one holding us back is me. And now I'm trying, but he doesn't believe me because I've lied and told him I was trying before. But I wasn't ready then.

When he told me that he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me, he asked for time and space. But the next day he called me and wanted to see me. He chose to stay with me. He never wanted to leave.

Last night he said he doesn't want to break up with me, but he almost feels forced to.

Last night he told me he thinks my life would be better if he was dead, or if we had never met.

I need to get my shit together. I want to show him that I want to have a great future, and I want him to be in it.

I wasn't ready then, but I am.

I heard my mom's voice tell me to move on. I'm ready to pick myself up and move on.

He would never want to hear me say it, but he is my motivation. I want to prove him wrong. I want him to see that I want to have a future with him. I want to make my mom proud, even though she isn't here to see it.

I don't know what to do. I want him to understand.

I'm ready.

I'm ready to grow up. I'm ready to begin my future.