Brought to you by archipelago.* with some help from buzzfeed and very british problems.
*This blog is based on my own views from ye old England. It's just for fun, so I apologise if you disagree.
A point to note if you're not familiar, is that Britain is separated into counties AND countries. I reside in the one coloured in orange below, situated in England. Therefore I invite other British mibbians to share similar blogs. Actually I encourage ALL MIBBIANS to share their part of the world.
(edit) Here's house of cards. hilarious blog on Scottish Stereotypes
Apologising.
It is a natural reflect to apologise for everything. It is irrelevant whether or not you are the innocent party. You must also apologise to animals or inanimate objects.
- You often find yourself apologizing to innocent people standing NEAR the queue, just in case you've accidentally jumped in front of them (see below).
Queuing.
You are born with a natural queing ability. If someone jumps the queue you must stare in frustration at the back of their head and catch the eye of other furious queuers who saw the diabolical action. If you're feeling daring you can tutt. If you are unfortunate enough to make eye contact with said queue-jumper, look anywhere else but into their eyes. It's perfectly ok to feel a bit giddy when someone actually addresses the queue-jumper.
Tea.
Yes there are a hundred different kinds, but nothing beats a regular old cuppa. On this note, while it's terribly infuriating when someone makes tea incorrectly, you say nothing and accept the offered cup, all the while furiously questioning all of their life choices in your head.
- Tea is the solution to all of lifes troubles whether you've received good news or bad. Providing a biscuit is a plus, but one must know the optimum dunking temperature for the chosen biscuit. For example, a custard cream is more resilient than a rich tea, but a hobnob will hold out the longest.
Other Europeans.
You will have the same conversation every time you visit another European country and they presume you live in London. The correct response is to smile politely and nod because trying to explain where you're actually from will only cause confusion and embarrassment and nobody needs this. Obviously London spans the entirety of the United Kingdom :/
The Weather.
One must comment on the weather at least three times a day. And yes, the shorts will come out the moment the sun peaks out. Even if it's 6 degrees. Also being repeatedly told to "listen to that wind" and such.
Inappropriate oversharing.
"Honestly, I'm fine." - Translation: "I'm so cross that I'm on the verge of being livid".
- Being uncomfortable when people respond with anything other than 'I'm Fine, thank you.'
Transport.
- Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you'll have to eat your crisps at home.
- When someone dare speak to you.
- Cursing your own stupidity when you realize you've booked a South West train and having to call someone before you even set off to let them know you'll be late.
Sport.
Leave the football hooligans to it. Do not comment on a team whilst in a pub for fear you'll start something you'd rather not be a part of.
- Watching Wimbledon is a must, even if there's an 80% chance you have no idea what's going on.
- When playing Cricket at school, always remember you can be disqualified for hitting the wickets with your bat, this will save you a lot of effort and you can pretend the whole thing was an accident.
- You're allowed to enjoy Top Gear, but can't view Jeremy Clarkson in a favourable light (even if you secretly think he's brilliant).
- You're also allowed to turn over the Formula 1 on lap five and turn back on lap fifty to check that Sebastian Vettel's still number one.
The General Rule.
When someone offers you something you politely decline. Even if you want it.
Sarcasm.
You will spend your life living in fear that your sarcasm is so dry stupid people won't understand. Until you simply stop caring. If you happen upon people who appreciate it, they shall immediately become your best friend.
- Following on from the above, it will probably take you about ten minutes to write a one-line email because you're constantly worrying that you'll sound too formal/informal/patronising/rude/sarcastic or somehow you manage a combination of them all.
Doctor Who.
You're quite put out by the fact some people don't know who Peter Capaldi is. Have they not watched The Thick of It? How do they understand British politics if they haven't?
The Royal family.
You don't fully understand the rest of the world's fascination with the Royal family, but if they dare utter a bad word about Her Maj or Kate you shall not stand for it. Also, you find it hilarious that they haven't picked up on the fact the Duke of Edinburgh is offensive and quite possibly racist.
Accidents.
It's only acceptable to go to the hospital when a limb's hanging off, and even then you must apologise to everyone for the inconvenience. For everything else there's tea.
For example, a dog bit me on the face when I was seven and my dad changed his clothes before he took me to the hospital. Oh and I once walked around on a broken ankle for three days. When my sister dragged me to hospital I was told I had damaged it so badly I needed to have a metal plate fitted to the bone. Whoops.
Location Location Location.
When you tell someone you live near the countryside they will put on a farmer accent and presume you own a horse. And you have to withhold the fact your neighbour has chickens and your family has always owned horses just so they're not proved right. Because you are after all, incredibly stubborn.
Drinking.
Everything is classed as tipsy. You'll learn at an early age that it's quite possible to drink yourself sober. You cannot abide people who can't handle their drink or cry. These people are called the 'lightweights' or 'emotional drunks' and they're best avoided.
- Going for a 'cheeky' pint after work, meaning you'll get back home in time for Sunday.
Dining.
It's rather annoying when someone gets your order wrong at a restaurant, but you'd rather not make a hassle by complaining so you eat it anyway.
- You don't leave the table until everyone's finished eating. Children ask permission before leaving the table, a simple 'may I please be excused' will suffice.
A few other points.
"Right then, I suppose I really should start thinking about possibly making a move" - Translation: "Bye".
- Nobody can dance. It's all just a variation of 'dad dancing'.
- Constantly calling things ridiculous or absurd.
- If someone gets your name wrong and you don't correct them quick enough you have to avoid them forever.
Also if you don't catch someone's name you have to avoid them forever.
- Saying "there's definitely something going round" when someone says they're ill, even if nobody else you know is ill.
- Realising you've entered the wrong shop and having to pretend to look around for a bit so nobody suspects anything.
- Becoming so furious that you hold the "I" of "I beg your pardon" for a good three seconds.
- Noticing somebody smiling at you and wondering what on earth must be wrong with your face.
And let us not overlook the village of Clovelly in Devon which can only be accessed by foot and Donkeys are a form of transport. I kid you not.
Glorious.
And even after all this, we still don't take ourselves too seriously.
Bye love you bye.