First Kiss

So this blog post is inspired by a magazine I saw featured on Mibba's homepage titled Mibba's Thoughts posted by Katie Mosing, and it's basically about the First Kiss forum. But instead of just posting in the forum linked in the article, I'm making this blog post about my first kiss.

Because apparently it's an experience I'm just itching to talk about.

I should start off by saying my first kiss was awesomely bad. But it totally shouldn't have been, okay, because it had the makings of an epic romance, but alas...

Okay, so it started at Walmart. Yes, the events leading up to my first kiss, started at Walmart.

I was fifteen so naturally I was with my mom, but she'd abandoned me for the cat food aisle while I poked around the bike racks (because fifteen year old me was reeeeally into bikes, no judgment ok). Abruptly this Walmart employee just manifests out of nowhere and we start talking about bikes, which at this point I'm aggressively into as I just mentioned, and then the conversation progresses to ghosts after breaching the topic of a local 'haunted' biking trail which, wow, that was just right up 15-year-old-me's alley.

I end up actually buying a bike from Walmart with leftover x-mas money (I later found out it was a girl's bike but it was, and continues to be, doooope) and the employee kind of disappeared so naturally I assumed he was gone forever to whatever sad place Walmart employees go, like behind a dumpster or something to smoke a cigarette, I don't know- but when I get the bike (because they had to take it down from the racks and crap while we waited at the register)!!!!!!!! There's a note on it. AN ACTUAL NOTE-ON-A-BIKE ROMANCE, I COULD NOT BE MAKING THIS UP.

But at the same time it was super safe and just said "Hope you enjoy your new bike! -Tommy" so my mom wouldn't melt him with her laser vision if she saw it. BUT AT THE SAME TIME I WAS FAIRLY CERTAIN THIS WAS NOT A REGULAR OCCURRENCE IN A TYPICAL WALMART EMPLOYEE/WALMART SHOPPER RELATIONSHIP. So I grew a pair for the first time in my life and harassed a lady at the customer service desk until I got Tommy's number.

So I'm basically saying I fought pretty hard for this awesomely bad kiss, and in hindsight, my behavior was hilariously reckless (like there is a reason my mom STILL doesn't know about this, and that is because she would literally have a stroke). Like how I'm not currently at the bottom of a river, cut into 100 pieces and preserved in a cement block, is beyond me.

Anyway, I call him and we actually set up a date to go on the local haunted trail that you literally can't even find on a map or on the internet, and he picks me up at my house (obviously I had to arrange it so my mom had no idea I was going to a dark, severely isolated location with a dude who, a. I didn't really know at all and, b. could drive) and we roll off into the night chain smoking and talking about friggin bikes.

When we get to the trail, we wander around lost in the woods for about an hour until we encounter some urban youths congregating in a gazebo, at which point they generously point us in the direction of the local paranormal attraction: the crumbled remains of an old 'witch's castle'. It's basically just broken slabs of foundation being reclaimed by nature and remnants of a stone wall being claimed and reclaimed by various overlapping colors of graffiti.

Anyway, we mosey around the site until we're convinced the local lore was bunk and we return to his car disappointed and tired. That's about the time he finds out I'm 15 and I find out he didn't kNOW I was like fifteen, and I also find out he's not 'around 18' like I previously thought, but friggin 24. And then, after all that's been revealed, he starts wanting to mack, and clearly at this point I have nEVER MACKED, and I also really don't want to, but I'm alone with him in his car in an empty park (and I mean like NYC's tree-dense Central Park, this was no playground-at-the-edge-of-town situation), and he's already told me in weird detail how he knows how to disable someone with his bare hands, so I feel sorta obliged to just go along with it. And I do and it's just sort of cringe-inducing.

I think I probably looked like I wanted to cry just from lips alone and that was why there was no tongue, but he kept wetting his lips and making them all gross and cold and slick so the kiss was gross and cold and slick, and a few times in the beginning I would pull away to blabber something off-putting, and he would insist we 'try again' and all I could do was lean over the console and basically do whatever he 'suggested'. But I really didn't know what I was doing, and I think he finally realized that after the 20th time I told him, because shortly after he took me to a 7-11 to wash my face and bought me a pack of cigarettes before taking me home.

So yeah, that is the story of my first kiss!!! It involves Walmart, notes on bikes, ghost hunting, and dub-con. It's basically a crack!fic.