I just want to cry

I bet you're wondering why I want to cry. Well, here. My best friend died and they just found his body. Over a month ago he went missing after a fight with his mom. No one's seen him in weeks, and the police found his body Tuesday. They identified it yesterday. He's been dead since the night he went missing.
Here's where I wanna cry. He committed suicide. He ended his own life. He took a bunch of pills he wasn't suppose to, and he died of overdose.
First Logan, and now Jacob. And I never knew either one was...was upset! I'm a terrible friend!
Now I'm back to my pills. Not enough to kill me, but enough to settle my stomach and make me sleep. I'm not cutting like I did after Logan, mostly because my boyfriend has all my razors. Which I had given him a few months ago as a promise to not cut anymore.
Tomorrow I'm going to Jacob's gathering with a few of our friends.
I miss him guys.
I just miss him