Regret

I miss you and I want you here. I feel like I hurt you more this time. As if I've broken you again, as you claimed I did so easily once. Its not easy at all--to see that look o. Your face and know I put it there. How can I be happy knowing what I did to you? Knowing what I'm still doing to you? I just want to see you. It hurts so much knowing you're not here, knowing that you WON'T call or text or anything. I can't tell you how much I miss you right now. But what could I do? Another month, a year maybe and then what? Can you really say that we'd be happy, that you could make ME happy? I want you to be able to but I can't linger on the thought of just being content. You and I would resent each other. I don't want that because I love you. I just don't love you as you want me to. Knowing that, my heart is dying as I crush your hope. My days are listless, long, and painful. I don't want to wake up anymore, I don't want to be faced with the reality of my life. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be without you, but I can't ask you to stay in the position I was in with him. How can I ask that of you? How cruel would that be? I took the lesser of the th two evils for you. Was that so wrong? Was it the wrong choice? To hope that we could stay friends as we are because I can't give you what you say you need from me, from what I want to give you but can't? I'm just so sorry. . I can't tell you how sorry. I can't tell you how much I hurt because hurt you, because the possibility of you leaving is becoming more and more real. I'm so scared that you'll leave but I can't ask you to stay. I just can't be that mean, no matter how much I want to be. I would have blinded myself if it would make me love you more. I would have cut out my heart, but what can I do against something I can't control? Something I can't force away, or change, or destroy? I just wanted to be what you wanted me to be but I couldn't. I wanted to--I cant tell you how much I wanted to be that for you. Im just sorry it became like this. Id take it all back if I had the chance. All of it. Everything, just to make you happy again.