I know that I haven't really been active on here for a long while, and honestly, I thought about/am still considering leaving the site altogether. Things just haven't been going well in my personal life at the moment at all, but I keep trying to stay positive about things!
I always wrote about dysfunctional families, but it took me a while to realise I was sort of in one. My twin sister and I have been in therapy for about ten years with mental illnesses that I'm not going to go into, but I sort of failed to recognise how bad my dad is. He started to go downhill after I started getting sick, and over the years he's become more and more depressed, though he never admits to it or talks about it. I know that he hates himself and it really kills me, because he never believes that we all love him and that he's good enough for us. I know I'm a bit of a hypocrite though.
My family have this unspoken pact where we keep all of our secrets to ourselves. My dad's always been a drinker, but it was a month or so ago that I finally realised that he was an alcoholic. For the past few years he's been coming home every night and drinking a couple of bottles of wine and sitting on his laptop, slurring words to us every now and then and then collapsing on the couch. Sometimes he's okay when he's drunk, and he tries really hard, and other days he's really verbally abusive. Please don't leave a comment saying that he's a bad person, because he's not. He forgets everything he says in the morning and I know that he's a good person -- I know that the problem is himself, not us.
It's been getting worse lately, though. Everyone's stopped trying and he's been drinking more because we're going bankrupt, and it's getting terrifying to watch. My little brother (who's my little baby and has been through so much because of all of us) is in his final year of school and is going for the AFL (elite Aussies Rules footy) this year, and my dad's focus has been on him lately. I'm okay when he has a go at me, but I hate it that he's doing that to my brother. He tells him he's crap every night and that he'll never get a kick, and my brother grows more and more resentful and starts to doubt himself more and more. And it kills me. Because how can you hate a man or even get mad at a man who's drinking himself to death because he can't stand his own life?
You can't. I can't, at least. I can't do anything but feel miserable because it's my job to keep this family together and we're falling to pieces. My brother's always been okay, and he's falling down now. My mother bursts into tears all of the time and has given up trying. My sister hates us all and screams at us a lot. God knows I'm depressed and have a lot of self esteem issues. I just don't know what to do.
I see a therapist once a week and I asked him how to help an alcoholic who doesn't want to be helped, or won't admit that he has a problem, and he said that he didn't really know and that it's hard to help someone who won't accept it. We've tried talking to dad about it and he just gets really down on himself and says he'll try (or avoids it completely) but then the evening comes and he looks at the finances and he drinks a lot. And then he slurs abuse or is really affectionate and goes back to bed.
Everyone else hates him. I don't think that he deserves it at all, and I almost resent them for hating him. I've cut off all my ties with my friends because they don't know what's happening and I (this is really bad, I'm sorry) somehow resent them for not getting it. I've just started uni again too and I'm avoiding turning up and finishing assignments and everything's just a big mess. So I just really want to know if anyone has advice for what to do with my dad. He's a good person and I'm really, really scared for him. I don't ask for help often. I don't think I've ever written anything this honest, haha.
Wow, I really hope that this isn't turning into a massive whine! I'm really sorry that I've been absent, I just haven't been feeling up to talking to anybody or participating in anything for the last few months. I'd say I'll be better from now on but I don't think I will. I really miss talking to you all though! I feel so crappy about not responding to things. I'm pretty down on myself right now so social interaction's kinda hard, haha.
As for my writing, my therapist and my mum have been encouraging me to actually finish something and try to send it out to publishers. I don't really think my stuff's good enough, but they're trying to get me to do things for myself and to take chances. So I think I might. It's going to be terrifying and I'm probably going to backpedal a lot but I need to stop ruining things before I take the chance.
The two I'm focusing on are Defiance and How to be Human. I haven't had much writing time nor have I been motivated to write lately, but I really hope I can soon. I want to finish the both of them and try to finally be proud of myself.
I don't know about updating my stories. I don't even know if I'll be around here. Who knows though, I might change my mind! If I do stick around, I'll probably only mostly work on How to be Human and Defiance though. I don't think too many people read Defiance but I sure have a lot more reading How to be Human than I deserve, haha, so I'll try to get back to that. I will definitely still write my other stories, but I don't want to stress now. I don't need more stress. I don't want to stress about when to update and disappointing people, so it's okay if you unsubscribe. Oh, and I finished Colour Blind a while ago, so even if I do leave this site soon I'll try to finish that.
I just have to keep reminding myself to take positive steps. Make little goals. I'm going to try to get to uni tomorrow and on Saturday I'm going to try to talk to my dad. I'd really appreciate any advice you can give for that. I don't really know where I'm going from here but I still have a tiny bit of hope left that things might get a little better and a little easier. I'm lacking a lot of confidence right now and I think that's why I've been away and avoiding everything.
Anyway, I'm sorry that this has been really long and ranty. I think I needed to get the start out, and I needed to get the end out for a completely different reason. I'm going to be really self-conscious about posting this for a while, but if anyone does comment I'll try my best to reply tomorrow. I'll definitely be appreciating them though.
I really hope you're all well! Hell, for all I know, everyone who I knew has left my now, haha! Lots and lots of love to all of you, and I hope that next time I'm here or ranting about things it's less emotional.
oh and by the way:
