Help, are you like me?

Do you ever just get the shits? No I'm not referring to bathroom habits...What I mean is when you just get really royally pissed off. No? Well maybe it's just me then. Lately (and as I have many times before) without even trying to, I have become a cynically shitty human being.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my family, my friends and I would do anything for them. Lately though I find myself becoming frustrated so easily with them. It's like someone hits a switch and I instantly become sad, annoyed, indifferent, callous etc.

In general I would consider myself a relatively decent person. I have so many flaws it isn't funny but I care a lot about things (my mum refers to this as "wearing your heart on your sleeve") lately though I feel like I just don't care about things as much as I should.

To put it into perspective I suppose I should mention that I have been really down in the dumps lately. I suffer from what a lot of people suffer from but don't usually admit...Depression. I know what you're thinking "Oh poor diddums she's depressed" or "if you're depressed, just stop and be happy". Oh if life were simply that easy would we all not be shitting rainbows and riding unicorns!? The truth is I go through what I like to call "good stages". When I am in a good stage I am in general relatively content, I get lots done, I become very extroverted and in general the world just seems like a relatively decent place.

Unfortunately I spend a lot of my life in a "bad phase". This is where I find it hard to control my moods, I find myself wanting to cry for no major reason and forcing myself not to (I in general do not cry other than sad movies, books etc). I also become very...Morbid. Maybe morbid isn't the right word but I'm struggling to find one that suits. I guess I just stop seeing the good things or if I do, the smallest in-discrepancy causes me to spiral into sadness.

Now I know that I could probably take some pills and start feeling happy go lucky or at least control my ups and downs, but to be honest I'm scared I would lose myself. I guess in a way I figure that if this is me than is it really right to take medication to change that.

I can usually get through it okay. My friend has always been a shoulder or a rock for me (and vice-versa), over the last 6-8 months though, that has faded a lot. I guess what I'm about to say is going to sound immature and feel free to tell me it is. Ugh. Ever since my best friend started dating her boyfriend (who she is very serious with), I've kind of felt like clothes going out of season. I don't know if she means to, but I find that she doesn't have much time for myself or anyone else (including her family) other than her partner. Now fair enough I want her to be happy, I would never begrudge her of that (or tell her what I just mentioned), but sometimes it would be good to have the old her back, the kind who would know that I am down and that I need her. Which to be honest I really do.

I don't try and be a grouch to people, yet in my down times I tend to get shitty at people easier than I ever would when I'm feeling okay. I also tend to make really dumb decisions when I'm in this space, I guess I stop caring about what might happen.

To be honest I don't know why I'm writing this. At the end of the day, I don't know you and you don't know me. And yet maybe that in itself is the point, if you don't see me or don't know me than you're less likely to judge me as cruelly. My family always say to just "change my mindset" or "Get happy" and to me that's a way of saying "Keep it to yourself" or "What do you expect us to do?". I guess I'm writing this as well, to see if I'm alone in these thoughts or feelings or if someone can relate.

Anyway sorry for ranting. If you have got to the end of this, thank you for sticking with me, I know it can't have been to thrilling of a read. Please feel free to comment.