Going Public With My Writing

Hello, so as some of you may know, I've been a member of Mibba for 4 years. Like most noobs those days, I started writing on Quizilla and eventually found Mibba to transfer to. Truth be told, I sucked at writing. Hardcore. I would enjoy it, but the content was far from enjoyable. Trust me. In fact, I still have my old stories I read from time to time to make myself realize that what I am capable of writing now is, by far, a masterpiece compared to my 12 year old rantings of scene love.

I moved from Quizilla to here, where I then improved on my writing skills through constant practice. I wasn't forged through criticism, actually. In fact, I can say I was lucky enough to receive constant support from online friends and strangers when it came to my writing. (Looking back, they were being polite, but it sure as hell felt nice reading it). Was I criticized? Hell yeah. In fact, I once subjected a story of mine to be commented by Audrey_T, a comment I will have a hard time forgetting due to the fact that... the story really wasn't that good and it was the first time someone took their time to tell me, piece by piece, what was wrong and how it could be improved.

I went from writing crappy poems, to emulating Edgar Allen Poe and Chuck Palanhiuk, to then finding my voice somewhere in between. I swung between fanfiction and original fiction until I finally chose the latter. I found my passion for drabbles, short stories, and stories with no end. I then went through almost a year of writers block, until I started to delve into Spanish and discovering that I am not as bad as I thought I was.

So, what now?

I am facing an impasse when it comes to my writing. For my, writing was (and still is) a private release for pent up emotions. It reveals to the world what makes me vulnerable and bitter; happy and in love. It scares me.

I am now part of a book club in my town, and there is a writing competition, with actual prices and judges. A part of me wishes to compete. How many times have I not competed on here? But it is different. I feel naked whenever my writing is read out loud to the real world. Yes, the 'real world' we online writers refer to as the Other Side. It is that place where we realize that writing isn't a hobby, but something to reckon with. It challenges you to critically see your writing and ask yourself, "are you really that good?" And for me, that is crippling. For years, I have been terrified of criticism and rejection. Fear. It makes my eyes sting.

I admire people who are brave enough to read out loud their poems or short stories. I want to give them a standing ovation, even if they used the word 'like' too much, or kept misreading their own words. Fuck that. I can't even print anything I write on a single sheet of paper. They deserve recognition.

I was vocal about my fears and insecurities. "Why don't you share them?" "I... uh... I don't know. It feels. I feels." Shrug. "It makes me feel naked."

It wasn't until someone told me; what's the point in writing if no one is going to read it?

And so, I have decided to... start going public.

I am currently writing some poems in Spanish and coming up with story ideas. Perhaps translate past ideas? I feel it is time to take my writing to another level. I am happy to say that I read a poem out loud to some close friends of mine and they loved it (they even laughed!) and it made me feel more alive than when I receive 100 comments on a story on here.

It felt real.

And from now onward, I want my writing to be real.