Feelings Are Gross

For someone who cries, goes into a rage, and gets jealous at the smallest stupidest things that don't even matter, I sure do have a hard time expressing positive emotions. By a hard time I mean virtually impossible.

Exhibit A, love and affection. So there's this guy who's a total fucking sweetheart, and I like him a lot. I still have all my walls up because I'm afraid of being jerked around the second I let them down. I feel like I have the right to do that, and be as stuck in the past and afraid of repeating it as I am. The unfortunate part is along with that, I've pretty much lost the ability to tell someone how I feel about them, or that I care about them, literally the only response I can come up with is "oh okay" or "I don't believe you." That's the shittiest one I have, especially for him. He says something nice to be and I just fucking accuse him of lying to me, basically. It's not because I actually think he's lying, I just... it's an automatic response. And I get it, I suppose if someone likes me enough they'll deal with the fact that I'm an asshole but I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be this monster that just takes it all and never gives back.

Nyeh. I just wish I had something cool or sweet to say back, you know? But everything that goes through my mind is a little too intense, I don't know what to say, and just completely being unknowing of what to do it comes out as "Hmmm" or "I don't believe you" and I just... grrrrr. There's a lot I want to say but I just don't know how to keep it materialized in words when it comes out of my head. I also just need to stop being scared of him, scared of the "what ifs". I need to start letting go of the past or I'm going to lose him to it.

And honestly, if I'll end up regretting anything in life on my deathbed, it's going to be not getting a chance with him if I fuck it up.