So my MAT test is finally behind me (and hopefully my grade was good enough to get me into grad school) but I am still feeling incredibly stressed out. Why, you might ask? Well, there are a few things really stressing (and/or bumming me out).
1. People
Lately, I have had a lot of issues with some of the people in my life and it is really bringing me down. I became a complete recluse while studying for this test and I know that probably made me a terrible friend but I feel like some people in my life don't really understand just how important getting a good grade on this test was to me. I literally did nothing except go to work and study for over a month save for one day when I wrote a bunch of stuff for my Percy Jackson story. I took little breaks here and there but I know I probably neglected some things and I've apologized but it just didn't seem to be good enough. It hurts because I feel like people I was really close with wrote me off during that time and it's not like I was intentionally trying to upset them or ignore them. I just don't know how else to make them understand that it wasn't personal - I just really had to study hard.
Also, in my absence, it seems some of my friends around here (I use that term very loosely) went completely nuts while I was hibernating with my study guides. Not going into any details but one of my more selfish, dramatic, and idiotic friends confessed to me something really huge and horrible the day before my test and it completely threw me off. Honestly, I think I missed some questions because I had to deal with that crap and I'm still dealing with it. My absence apparently made her lose her moral center. I'm really losing faith in some people.
2. Stories
Some of my stories are stressing me out - ones I want to finish, ones I have yet to start, ones I put on hiatus. Everything 1D is stressing me out beyond belief. I just have no inspiration for it anymore, though I know I have some really popular 1D stories and I'm trying my best not to just cut them because a few are close to being finished and there's one that I really loved before I lost momentum with those stories. I've just moved on to other fanfictions and more originals and they just aren't doing it for me anymore. But I am so stressed about finishing them for the people that love them. I want to make everyone happy but I just know if I try to write them right now the chapters won't be up to my standards and I'd rather put nothing out than something I don't feel good about.
I have a few stories I want to start, too, and that's stressing me out because I'm trying to plot everything out (because Katie taught me just how amazingly well that works) and I'm not used to it so it's making me all anxious and frustrated. Plotting is not my strong suit. I understand the positives of it and it really has helped (my Percy story is plotted out and it flows SO MUCH better than any of my others) but I get too impatient and I just want to write them! I will not start writing or posting anything until I've got stuff planned, though. I discovered I end up deleting more stories when I don't properly plan things and I hate doing that.
3. School
I have to wait TWO WEEKS to hear from the school I applied to whether or not I got in. Do you know how anxious and horrible that makes me feel? My preliminary score was above average so I'm hoping that means I got in but you just never know. It's a private university and they're a really great school and my GPA from my bachelor's degree wasn't as good as I hoped it would be (though that definitely meets their requirements for admission). Summer term is already enrolling and I'm scared that if I DO get in then I might not get the classes I need since I'll be late registering. I need a very specific set of classes to get into the early education program so I'm kind of freaking out.
4.TV Shows
I am so beyond behind in almost all of my shows. The only one I stayed up to date on was The Walking Dead which just finished last Sunday. And I'll stay on top of Game of Thrones, finally back this weekend but I really wanted to catch up and watch the last season again but I don't see that happening. I'm like 5 episodes behind in The Vampire Diaries and at least 3 in both New Girl and Parks and Recreation. I'm about 7 behind in Justified which is the reason that story hasn't been touched since even before I started studying for the MAT. Looks like I'm going to have to marathon some stuff though I've been on a rewatching all the seasons of CSI:NY kick. Mmmm Detective Don Flack ...
For real - do you know how many hours watching all that stuff is going to take? I had to re-rent a movie from the library 3 or 4 times and I still never watched it. AND it was 4 days late. I've been a failure at everything lately. I deeply apologize. I'm back now though! I hope that counts for something but I'm not sure it does.
5.Technology
I might have expressed this in a previous blog but my laptop is glitching like mad. My old extension cord was literally sparking and I had hoped that fixing that problem would fix all my problems but that did not happen. I did a backup of my files about a week ago so if something happens I won't lose everything but it's still scary to think that it could go at any time and I don't really want to dig into my savings to buy another computer. I've been saving that money for other things and a computer is just not on my list. I know that if I get into grad school then I probably will need to break down and buy one but I'm hoping that this one can last awhile longer. I need a new phone and a new car and a computer is less important than those two things haha.
Please, let nothing break beyond repair. That is seriously the last thing I need.
This is kind of a depressing blog post. I'm sorry. I'm in a really depressed mood this morning. I've been sick since last night, it's pouring and storming here which I usually like but since other things have been happening it's only depressing me. Thinking about all this stuff, and the fact I seem to have upset certain people I really care about, well ... it hasn't put me in a good mood.
I'm going to try and work through it and update some stuff. Comments, messages, whatever would be appreciated unless you're going to yell at me for something.
Thanks for reading my sad ramblings.
xoxo, Erin
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