You don't have to read this, but I really would appreciate it.

01:35am. I'm only putting that there so that when I look back on this in the morning, I realise how pathetic I am. I'm writing this early morning blog to tell non-existent friends the thing I can't tell my real friends.

I just finished watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower. The book completly destroyed my life and now I don't know how okay I am anymore. I just feel so sorry for Charlie. I adore him. He's so sweet and perfect. And Patrick is just so gaddamn sassy I can't handle it.

Getting to the point, (there's a little spoiler here btw) I cried when Patrick got beat up, mainly for being gay. It wasn't a sad crying. I think I was scared.

Because that could be me. Like three friends know I'm transgender and the others will probably hate me for it. Imagine the people you love just turning their backs on you because of who you are? And that's what I'm so scared of. Coming out as a non-binary transgender to the whole world. To my transphobic family. To my friends, who drop subtle hints that being transgender is weird and gross. And I cried. Because one day, that will be me. The queer kid getting beaten in the hall cause she likes to pretend to be a boy, what a slut! And I was furious, to think of my mother hitting me again and telling me to grow up and my dads scary yelling that makes me cry harder. To think that only three people in a world of 7 billion understands. To sit alone at night crying because some fictional character got beat up and it reminded you of your future self. Then you think of all the things wrong, like hey your Taid's got cancer again. How will you feel, to see the people you love crying over that? and then when they don't love you anymore. How will you be when it's gone, and you're just the strange loner with no frien because you're fucking transgender. Because no one understands, and no one wants to love you because really you're so changeable you don't know who you are. And that's what I was afraid, while watching a fictional character get beaten up. That self oblivion when all I can do is sit back and let them destroy me. When my grandparents stop being proud. When my mother doesn't look for ways to make me happy. When the people who claim to understand don't, and they hurt you like knives to the stomach. You have no safe haven. No shelter from this constant train if endless abuse. And it never ends, because we'll never get rid of homophobia or transphobic or whatever fucking phobia you'd like to name. Because it doesn't work like that. This world fucking sucks, and it's never going to get better. There will always be oppression towards people like me, always someone trying to bring us down. For every supporter, there's a million other haters. And that's what a single fight scene in a film can do to me. It can remind me that one day, I'll be the gross girl slut pretending to be a guy.