I don't know how to fight this anymore.

Today I realised I am very angry. It didn’t hit me like a ton of bricks and didn’t become noticeable by an outburst of anger. It reared its ugly head again via a text message. I bet you’re thinking “A text message what a pussy” but those of you who have read my blog posts before, you would be aware that I am estranged from one of my sisters. Well today it was my sisters’ daughter and my niece Mia’s birthday. I pondered as to whether I would say something or attempt contact, knowing that other times I have attempted have ended in uproars and insults from my sister.
With this in mind, I sent a message to my brother in law, who was always what I considered a comrade in arms, a friend when I needed. I asked if despite what was going on with my sister if he could please wish my niece a Happy Birthday (She’s three today and I have not been able to see her since she was under two years old). I thought that he could maybe do me that one kindness after the many times I have been there for him and helped him when he was in need. Alas I received “Fuck off if you really cared you would get off your lazy fat arse and come see her”. Now see this made me real fucking mad, because I am continuously trying to get in contact with my sister and wanting to be a part of both my niece and nephews’ lives, and every time I try I am verbally abused and threatened.

Now I know that the knowledge I have been treated callously by my sister in the past should have swayed me away, but really I just wanted Mia to know that I still cared and that I hadn’t forgotten her. I realise now that I am so filled with anger over all my sister and brother and law have done and yet I have next to no power to stop it. Perhaps I could just move on and forget I have a sister, forget that she has two beautiful children who don’t understand where their “Aunty Lulu” has gone. I wish it were that easy, but for all the flaws of my older sister I feel this horrible love towards her that I cannot break which leads me to more anger.

It seems what I find hard to do is as simple to her as breathing, she is so filled with hate and in turn has caused my brother in law (who was once one of the kindest people I knew) to be the same. I want to scream and tear her apart to destroy her for all the torment she has caused me throughout my life, and I am so angry that I still miss her and that I still love her.

Why don’t you fight? You might be thinking those words right now and the truth is I have, I have been fighting for years to find peace with my sister and there has been many times when I have been fooled into believing she gives a rats fucking arse about me. Banning me from seeing my niece and nephew has been something I have battled long and hard for behind closed doors. I’m so scared to fight in front of them and cause them more confusion than they must have already, so the most part I play my part of the “forbidden sister” and keep my distance while hating myself.

You can read this and think I am overly dramatic but you will never understand what my sister is like until you have experienced her callous and calculating mind. I know anyone who is reading this has no reason to give a shit about what I’m saying, but I just feel like I need to post this before I explode.

I know we all have fucked up elements within our families, welcome to a small part of mine. I am plagued by love that will never be reciprocated. Torn from two children who I would die for.
If you have stuck with me until the end of this, thank you.