I was thrilled at first when I took it in because she responded well enough to the kitten formula to poop and pee. That was supposed to be a good sign. She also was VERY active, too. I'd feed her every two to three hours around the clock. It was exhausting but I thought saving it's life was worth it. I recruited my grandma to feeding her while I was at work Monday and til I could get home to take over.
Bottle feeding a new born kitten like that is tough. They don't like the taste and she was so small it was an inward battle for me to force the nipple in it's mouth even gently. Surprisingly, she liked sucking on the skin of my hand. It was what worked best aside from me slowly putting drops of the formula in it's mouth on the side. The poor thing fidgeted so much! She'd never stay still to nurse unless I held her in my hand.
Even then she'd wiggle out eventually. She would always try to climb on my chest though. I'd hold her about chest height on myself and let her snuggle there in my shirt. While she slept there, I'd pet her little furry back lightly, over and over to comfort her. I know it's crazy to say but I really bonded with her over those three days. It felt good to feel like I was atleast attempting to give the little angel a chance at life perhaps. The motherhood feels were pretty strong, too. I've been wanting kids and trying to get pregnant so this was good practice for me.
It showed me that yes, I am truly ready to have enough patience and love for a child. I will say that when she died, I felt like a fucking failure. I mean from the beginning I kept in mind that she may not make it. Even the websites I researched said that humans are poor substitutes for mother cats and there's a chance the orphaned kittens won't live long. I'm trying not to blame myself. This all has been a very emotional experience for me. Some would say, "It's just a cat. Get over it." But rescuing something from death and trying to keep it living when it's so frail and small takes a lot out of a person.
Deep down I know there's nothing else I could have done and that I tried my best to save her little life. I saved her from a horrible death of being eaten alive. She died peacefully wrapped in the warmth of the blanket where she drew her last breath instead of in the evil clutches and jaws of the male outside cat. She was loved and cared for in her last few days of life. My husband has been nothing but supportive. He's assured me time and time again that what I did for the kitten was honorable and good. That I shouldn't beat myself up over it not making it.
Last night he got a shovel and dug a little grave for me. We placed the baby kitten inside the hole. I said a few words aloud and when he threw that first pile of dirt over the little kitten's body, that's when I nearly lost it. I swallowed hard and had to look away. It's such a depressing and overwhelming thing....death. To think we're born and live just to die eventually and be buried in the Earth. It truly makes me cherish and savor life. You know most of us go through life thinking we have the rest of our lives and that it will last along time. We put things and people off because we think we'll have tomorrow. Remember that you or anyone elses time could be up at any moment. ENJOY this moment right now and every moment. Don't wait or hesitate. Live your life. It's the only one you get. Branch out and grab life by the horns because it's yours for the taking.
Something I thought about the other day really made an impact on me. I get sad sometimes. It happens. Thankfully less than it used to. But I think that I'm twenty eight years old. There are people who didn't even get to live that long before their life ended. Sometimes.....well a lot of times I think about the Rev and Mitch Lucker. I feel like if I can make it past twenty eight, that why do I get the chance to keep living and they didn't. My thoughts are so daunting. I think about morbid and sorrow filled things. I witness death and loss even if not directly.
I've seen animsls die. My husband even has to go to houses where people have died of natural causes or suicides and it's a bio clean up. That means he cleans residue left behind from the deceased out of the floor or off the walls. That's gotta fuck with him mentally, you know? It would me. When someone dies, even if I don't know them, I feel this intense feeling of....loss and sorrow. Mourning even. I think about how they no longer will do their routines anymore or of how the presence of their soul will no longer exist and fill the places it once was. Even their personal effects just become abandoned and something people have to sort and deal with removing.
I just.....this whole kitten thing has given me a new lease on life. It makes me want to cherish people more and really SEE them, you know? Love your family and friends. Even your animals. I've been showering my two cats and dog with even more attention now. They will probably get sick of me lol.
So I'm walking away from this experience feeling like I should be proud of myself. I took it upon myself to attempt saving something's life when so many people wouldn't have thought twice to. I gave the helpless animal safety and nourishment when it couldn't on it 's own. I loved it.....so much. I didn't do it for bragging rights or to be praised. I was completely selfless in trying to save her. It was all to benefit her life. I'm going to buy a small headstone and place it on the grave. That way I won't forget and can visit it from time to time. Rest in peace little baby. I'll miss you. You put up a good fight.
Here's a picture of her sleeping in my hand. ;(
On a side note, it's sad what Mibba has become lately. No one wants to take responsibility for anything. I don't see any problems being resolved other than basically, "These are the rules. Either like them or get over it." Pretty sad. Pretty sad that I wrote a neutral blog with truth on the subject and everyone was too busy either defending staff or hating on them to comment. Come on, everyone. Life is short. Do you want to spend it in a war on a website? Let 's make peace and not war.