You Have No Idea

You have no idea how difficult it is to restrain from picking up the phone and calling you everyday. You have no idea how hard it is for me to stay away from you, let you start over. You have no idea how sad it is to watch you from afar, meeting new people and falling love again while I'm stuck. You have no idea how angry I get when I remember we're just friends. You have no idea how much I struggle to keep you out of my head, to stop saying your name, and to keep from telling our stories. You have no idea how fucked up I am and how badly I want to leave you and everyone else behind me. You have no idea how much I wish I could take everything back and how much I wish we never met.

And you will never know.

I've never loved and hated someone so much at the same time. I've never felt the need to hide how sad I've been from you until now. Because I have to live with the consequences of my actions everyday and I can feel you getting farther away from me.

And I guess it's a good thing. The less I see you, the easier it is to move on. I can live with this guilt and regret by myself now. This metaphorical pain I feel is unbearable and sometimes I don't want to live to see tomorrow, I just want to see you.

But I have to accept that you've changed and you're trying to move on and I keep ruining it all. "I'll always love you" you say, but it doesn't sound the same as it used to, nuturing and meaningful. Now it's more practiced, like you've memorized your lines and you were waiting for your cue.

"I don't think we should be together" hurt me the worst. You have no idea.