A Note About Self-Harm

Trigger warning for explicit discussion of self-harm, drug (mis)use, and mental illness.

Everyone thinks of cutting and burning as the maim methods of self-harm. Some include head banging, hitting oneself, and maybe even embedding in their definition. Most don’t include and/or understand overdosing without suicidal intent as a method of self-harm. I, myself, didn’t really comprehend what it could do to person. Some one I knew started taking as many as six aspirin pills at a time to cause an ulcer (aspirin turns into salicylic acid in the stomach, the same thing used in acne medication). She explicitly explained that was her end goal. She said it was to get out of PE, but I almost certainly know it is for bigger reasons, especially because she has a history of self-harm. Her alternative to causing an ulcer was to break a leg.

I think part of it of her plan was to get attention. I can’t stand people who self-harm for attention. They do need help but of a different kind. She had been calling attention to herself more over the past couple of months, something she hadn’t done before. It’s even more frustrating that magically when I get really sick with an un-diagnosable issue involving serve GI symptoms and hives, she gets sick. Literally I had a endoscopy Monday and she had hers yesterday. She also seems to be nursing it. I don’t look sick to most because I’ve been through a lot of shit that I had to cover up. I have been in so much pain I would consider amputation to end the pain. She seems to show up and look sicker and almost all of my friends have huge amounts of sympathy for her. I don’t want peoples pity, but I admit when you feel like going and killing yourself because no one knows what’s wrong and how to end all the pain, nausea, and itching some empathy and sympathy would be nice. I would put good money on the fact the girl has an ulcer or some damage to stomach.

I don’t have anyone to talk anymore because she has taken over all my friends. I am honestly terrified my GI symptoms mean I have developed stage 4 (systemic) Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. Unless you have had CRPS you can’t compare the kind of pain I have deal with even with medication. I originally developed CRPS in 5th grade in my right foot. In 70-80% of patients have it spread. It has spread up my leg. CRPS is rare and there are not my treatment protocols. From some reading the only treatments to help with GI symptoms are ketamine treatments (medically induced coma) and Botox. Yes, really, Botox. CRPS has been none cause delayed gastric emptying, possible gastroparisis as well. I’m not a doctor, so I can’t understand all the intricacies of the disorders. I do know what it’s like to have CRPS.

It’s really depressing to realize that someone you trusted manipulates people like that. Overdosing is just as much a method of self-harm as cutting. It is easier to hide. It hurts to know someone is doing this to themselves, it hurts more when they do it for attention. I think overdosing needs to be clearly explained as part of self-harm awareness. It is under addressed. Also, those who self-harm for attention should not set the standard for how others who do are treated. I hate when people assume it’s all for attention. For most it’s essentially a drug.

I’m sorry the middle turned into me venting (almost complaining), but this is really eating at me. Side note on the consequences of self-harm, scars make it very hard to find a vein for IVs.