Food Is Good

I'm overweight and about a month ago I decided to go on a diet. I learned about Intermittent Fasting (fasting for 16 hours then eating within an 8 hour window). I suffered through the first few days. Shakes, dizzy spells, chronic sinusitis and nausea was the worst. Then I researched some more and realized that I had to be eating enough so I wouldn't die within the 16 hours.

I wasn't eating enough. And by that time I had already gotten used to not eating within 16 hours. I took a bite from a sub sandwich within the 16 hours and I was literally smacked in the face with instant nausea. I had never had an onset of nausea so suddenly. So I stopped doing intermittent fasting because I can't afford to eat lots of good food.

But my mother looked at me few days ago and told me I should stop with the dieting now, you've lost too much weight. And I'm confused because I don't feel like I've lost that much weight. Mind you, I look at myself in the mirror every day.

I'm worried but...I don't know. Not as worried as I should be? I don't know. I had a dream last night that this guy was putting food on this scale...but it wasn't an ordinary scale. When he put an apple on it, it was like 7 calories, then he put some fries on it and it was 10 calories.

It's only when I woke up I realized it was a dream but it felt so good. So little calories.

I ate a cake few weeks ago and I brought it back up. It was the most powerful feeling ever. I literally felt in some much control of my fucking life. It's only after eating something after not eating all day, and wanting to bring it back up that I realized I was starting to become Bulimic. So for a few days I mentally whipped myself back into shape. Eat, and watch tv and read a book or something so I don't have to think about what I've eaten.

Oh my god, the more I think about this, the more I realize I almost developed an eating disorder.