You're Not Hurting At All

I'm not a part of your world anymore. I've become garbage, even baggage. A parasite. I've lost my mind and there's no going back. With or without you, I will always be pathetic and worthless. I've become that crazy ex-girlfriend you pity and blame and ignore. I may be insane, but I'm not blind.

I blame myself. Hell, I even pity myself. I don't even know why I'm still trying. What am I waiting for? What do I expect to change?

You want to medicate me, make me zombified. You want me to dump all of my baggage on a therapist. I'd rather keep everything internalized if you don't want to hear it. I don't talk to anyone but you. But you don't want me. You've had enough. You're done. You've gotten rid of me for good. You're trying to be happy. You're starting over.

I envy you, more than anything. I want to be you. You say you're not as happy as you seem, but I beg to differ. You're doing better than I am. You're in love, you've got many friends, you don't bawl your eyes out over me everyday. You're better than me. You're not hurting at all.

Me?

I'm fucking suicidal.

But that should be the least of your worries. Because I'm too fucking chicken to kill myself. I'm dying everyday just watching you being happy and remembering your words to me the last time we spoke. It's like a cancerous growth that gets worse and worse everyday I remember it's there. I'm killing myself by just thinking about you.

Why are you so important to me? Why do I miss you? Who are you to me? Why do I continue the cycle? What's wrong with me?

I could go on for days to you about how sorry I am and how much I regret everything I've done. But you couldn't give less of a care in the world. You just want me gone already. You want me off your back. You don't want to hear it. You don't want me. You don't need me like I need you.

And it's going to continue to torture me until I finally can't take it and end everything because I just want the pain to stop.