Dad-less Life

When I was little my mom always told me not to get water on my stomach while washing dishes or I'll end up marrying a drunk. This is what her mother told her, and her mother told her.

Sadly, my mom didn't listen very well. She always scolded me when i did. She would say she doesn't want me to end up like her. Her marrying a drunk made her believe this silly superstition. Thats because it became all too real to her. Late nights where she was getting yelled at because she didn't cook dinner right. Because he didn't clean right. Those late nights where he would sit on top of her hitting her face. Blow after blow. Before her would turn her over grab her by the hair and slam her face against the floor saying if it would have been cleaned right the first time it wouldnt be dirty with her blood. That it is her fault, and she made this mess.

I remember her crying when she told me this. I remember crying. I'm crying now, just like any time i think about it. But it isnt just tears from sadness, it is tears from anger and hatred. This man, the man that did this to her and put her through hell and back is what i come from. And i hate it, so much. And its a stab in the gut when my mom gets mad and calls me him.

Hate is a strong word, but it is one i feel and mean when it comes to him. I have never been so happy to have someone not be a part of my life. People always tell me they feel bad for me when they find out that my dad isn't around. I tell them not to feel bad because things would be so much worse if he was. We wouldn't be where we are in life right now. I would probably go to school trying to hide bruises. Mom would live in fear of what would happen next. I wouldn't have the life i do, and while the life i do have is a struggle, it is better than what i would have been. I have no doubt in my mind that he would have killed her, and not had an ounce of regret. He is a monster. Someone i want nothing to do with. He is a part of the reason i want to do social work, i want to help people who live in hell because their moms werent lucky enough to get out of the abusive relationship and now they are being abuse. Mentally. physically. emotionally.

He left when i was little. Little, little. Younger than five. I only have one clear memory of him. It was his weekend so we(me and my younger sister) were at his apartment with he new wife of the time(who later was shot and killed by the cops because of him). Mom was coming to pick us up, and his apartment was upstairs. Mom has ms, and she couldnt go upstairs. So she had to always bring someone with her to make sure she would get us back. Well it was one of those nights he wouldnt let us go. I remember seeing mom pull up and i got excited and ran for the door. He stopped me and said she could come get us if she wanted us. A bit later there was a knock on the door. When he opened it there was a cop standing there, saying he had to let us go. I was always scared to go back after that. I remember mom telling me years later she wouldn't go up the stairs because she knew he would push her down them.

I have never been so happy to only have my mom. I had a better life because of it. And sure, my "dad" wasn't around. But i had something better. Scott. Shortly after mom and kevin("dad") split she met him. He treated her right. Sure it was rocky but all relationships are. He love us. All of us. They were together ten years. Ten good years. And mom was gone one day and i didnt know why. It was November 19, 2009. The phone rang and i answered it. It was our pastor. And i still hear his words ring in my head. "Hi sweety. Do you know if scotts family has funeral plans, or are they going to be help here? if so what hospital will be moving the body?" Who in their right mind would ask a seventh grader that? who does that? Thats how i found out. And i had to try not to break down in front of autumn because she didnt know. Mom pulled in and i ran outside and only made it half way before i fell to the ground crying. I begged it to not be true. It was.

I dont know..i guess this has been on my mind a lot. And i needed to let it out somewhere before i completely fall apart.
April 23rd, 2014 at 02:06am