I Am a Mibbian.

I don't think I ever properly introduced myself.

I am a writer. I am an artist. I am a reader. I am a realist and an optimistic, because it's only logical to see both sides. I am a late '90s child. I am an African American. I am a Mibbian.

I wish I could tell you that I was a poet because it amazes me
How some have
The ability to
String words together
And create a masterpiece.
I wish I could tell you that I was better than the year before, but I can't because in reality, the only way I have change is the enlargening of my bust and the addition of crushes I've had over the years. I wish I could tell you that I was a Golden Child, a Grade-A student, though I make As and Bs. I wish I could tell you that I had someone to that embraced me and took me to the movies to see new films, but I'd be a blatant liar because I do nothing but dream for that, for him. I wish I could tell you that I didn't look at myself every morning wishing I were prettier, that I was more than comfortable in my skin. I am nothing but feeble bones laden with brown skin wrapped tightly around the frame; I am not rigid and do not maintain a steady composure. I wish I could tell you that I wasn't underestimated because of my age, that my thoughts and ideas were taken seriously. I wish. I could wish all day.

I could wish all day, but nothing would change. I could wish all day that I was older, bolder, wiser, prettier. I could wish all day that the boy that I sit next to in four classes would look my way and think, "Oh, she's gorgeous." I could wish all day that I was born a boy so that I wouldn't urged to tuck my stomach in, hide my acne, keep my legs closed tight (because boys aren't able to control their hormones), shave because doing otherwise is not lady-like.

And wishing is only part of who I am.

I like the color black. For the longest, my parents were convinced that I was demonic because I found black to be the color of awe, the color of success. I had to paint my room the darkest shade of gray I could find because my father said he refused to have a demonic child. But it confuses me, when their skin is black and they gush on and on about how "black is beautiful." I don't care for the color of skin; I am all for neutral. If being laden in black makes me dark, then so be it. I'm dark regardless of what I wear.

I like to write stories around things that I can only imagine. Take romance for example. I am a fourteen, almost fifteen, year old girl and I write about kissing and love when the most intimate I've ever been with the disgusting hypocritical things we call humans is a hug (and whose to say I'm not hypocritical, too?). My parents, my parents go on and on about how my books are my boyfriends. I swear to them that they want me to die alone. But I cannot complain much because my dreams explain it for me. I dream. I've dreamt about a boy, this boy, I cannot fathom why I feel so for him. But I have the belief that we as humans obsess and gush over things we are forbidden to. I write what I'm forbidden to.

I am an artist. It's amazing how I've grown to hate my artwork, how I'm never proud of what I produce. It doesn't matter what kind of art - it can be my body, my writing, or my painting on a canvas - I hate it. I can't seem to love what I make and maybe that all ties in with self-hatred. But I am beginning to love myself. Slowly, gradually. But I am beginning to love the art that I am.

I am an African American. We, us black people, are controversial, we are less than, we are nothing. I shouldn't wish that my skin was lighter, that I was born Caucasian, but I do. I have grown up in a generation where the bigger the thigh gap, the better, the lighter the skin, the worthier. I show my desires in my writing. I wish I didn't. I don't hate black people. Quite frankly, I love them. I adore them. But I hate how we always have to bring up our past. Our past does not define us! I am not a slave, I never was. I am not a negro, nigger, nigga - never will those terms define me. I will not dwell on what my ancestors went through, suffered, because they are not me and I am not them. I am not even an African American. I am simply American. Pedigrees have been so butchered that we don't even have much distinction anymore. I am an American, born and raised.

I am me. I am me and if you don't like the person I have grown to be, then so be it. I refuse to change for you. I refuse to dislike the bands that I like because you don't agree, I refuse to shun the white race because they enslaved Africans two-hundred years ago, I refuse to hold back on life because someone else doesn't have the courage to take hold of theirs. I refuse to change for you.

But with all this being said, I can only hope that you will accept me with open arms, that you won't disregard my flaws but not hold them against me, that I can have a place in your heart. Because truth be told, I can try and be brave all I want, but I am like a building with poor structure and I will fall with only a few blows. I am weak. I am feable. I am selfish. I am, for the lack of a better term, mediocre at my best. I am clingy. I am addictive. But I am me. I am a writer, a reader, an artist, and a Mibbian.

I am me and I will not change for you.