Boys Are Making My Life Miserable + My Job

Boys, man, boys.

So, let me start with the fact that I don't even understand why guys like me. Maybe it's the fact that I was one of very few girls that was living with a bunch of guys. And I was even the only one for a short time. But I don't get it. I'm really not that great, I am not great at all. But, just once, I wish that I had a say in who I wanted to date and who I didn't want to date. Because guys don't seem to listen at all. And I seem to be hurting feelings, and I don't want to do that. And I don't even know if that is avoidable. Especially since my feelings are getting really hurt in the process.

It's all really complicated, but let me try to break things down. I think I need to type this all out, that might set things into perspective for me.

I will call these two main guys F and A. So, F is the guy that I liked first. I have liked him for almost three months now. Longer than any other guy. The first day that I ever talked to him, we sat at the table and talked for five hours straight. And it didn't even feel like five hours, we looked at the clock and couldn't believe it. And the next day we hung out and went to the library, and he showed me around SJ. That was cool and perfect and we had plenty of laughs. And he even called me pretty, but I couldn't tell if he was joking or not, because he said it in such a silly way. And he hugged me that night when we were about to go to sleep.

We would always play Uno, but I am hella embarrassed by the fact that I got hella mad at him one time. I wasn't in a good mood, I was sleep deprived, and outside of the game he was being really confusing. And it was kind of in front of everybody in the house. And that made me never want to show my face again. I cringe whenever I think about that, because I don't like to get mad at anybody. He kind of laughed it off, because that is how he is. But I'm not like that, and I can't let go of little mistakes like that so easily.

But, anyhoo, we spent nights texting and talking. And, on Valentine's Day, my Valentine was J. I thought he was joking when he said that he would be my Valentine in some random conversation, but it turns out that he liked me, too. And I thought he was a total cutie. But F was my big crush, and I guess this was before I knew that F liked me back. It's all a big, confusing mess. But I was sitting in the back of the house when F came out and talked to me while he was smoking a cigarette. Bad habit of his that he won't let go of. And he asked me where my Valentine was. He sounded a bit jealous, but I didn't catch that at the time.

But the next day I was going to the mall. I had a gift card and I wanted to get some new clothes or something. And, at first, F acted like he was just gonna stay at the house. But he told the house that he was going to go play some basketball. And, instead, he ran up to me and told me that he was coming along. And, me being an idiot, I still didn't see that guys go with you to places if they like you. So, we went to the mall and we had a bit of fun. And then he kissed me on the bus ride home. He tasted like cigarettes, but not really a shocker there. And then we kissed one more time before going to the house. And he was really paranoid about the house finding out, so he told me that I should go ahead and he would come in later. And he told me not to mention that we had gone. Which made sense at the time. But that was pretty much the last time that we kissed.

I have more of an age gap between F and me. There are about six years, rather than four or five with A. And he is more mature than me in ways, and less mature in other ways. It's a good balance, but sometimes I don't even know. But he talks about sex a lot, and I don't know how to talk about that, because I have never done anything like that before. And I do want to lose my v-card to him, but I don't know if I trust him when he says that he also wants a relationship when he hardly responds to my texts. He doesn't seem to care as much as I thought he did. But he is also a bad texter. And maybe he really is busy, he has a lot going on in his life. But not enough to really justify not responding to my texts for days. But my brother told me to give him one last chance, because guys can be like that. And, right when I was about to give up yesterday, he responded. After days of no response. And this happened last time.

As for A, he was actually close friends with F when he was at the house. Which made things a little bit awkward. I haven't known him as long, but I know that he is really funny without really meaning to me. But a lot of his jokes cross a line. He's more blunt with sex jokes and stuff, even in person. And sometimes he is a bit too touchy feely. And that is what made things awkward. I don't like it when guys touch my legs, and he's not somebody who seems to get that. But he really is a sweetheart at times. And he cares a lot more about me than F does. He sends me a bunch of text messages. All of yesterday he was sending me things to convince me that he would treat me better. He doesn't know who the other guy is, but he knows enough to know that he's not much of a boyfriend. But people seem to catch on that it's F, even without me saying anything. Apparently it was more obvious than we meant it to be, even though we were really good at hiding it.

But I don't even know. I totally thought of him as a brother more than anything else before. And now I just don't know. Because I like his personality, and I think he's a cool guy. Besides the fact that he lies about going to work a lot. But I'm just not attracted to him as much as I am to F. And I am just not ready to let things go and give up. I need more time, and nobody seems to get that. He wants a decision right now. And I feel bad that yesterday I kinda said yes and then had to take it back. But it wasn't really a solid yes. And I had an explanation. And everything is such a mess. I feel like a total bitch. All of this just makes me feel like a total whore. But I didn't mean for this stuff to happen. And it's all messing with my head a lot. And I'm really sick of guys kinda forcing themselves onto me like this. I don't know what to tell all of them, but I am only one person and somebody needs to respect what I want. I'm really sick of being treated like an object. And I don't even get the appeal, I am not attractive at all. And I know that I am annoying at times, and sometimes I get pissed out of nowhere and my face turns red. And that's embarrassing.

And I am almost considering just leaving everything behind and starting new again, but I know that I can't do that. Because these are people that I really do care about. I really do. I don't want to let them go, and I wish things wouldn't be awkward. I wish that none of this would have happened. And we could all bake a cake full of rainbows and be happy again. Or something along the lines of that Mean Girls quote. I just don't want to face it, because I don't know how to handle any of it. And it's all stressing me out.

Wal-Mart.

Let's talk about the upsides first, shall we?

+ I am getting more hours. This my first full week with forty hours.
+ I got promoted, so now they are training me to do phone contracts and photo services.
+ I work with some really fun people, and we have a lot of hilarious moments.
+ Breaks and lunches are nice. And it helps that the break room is pretty awesome, too.

Now let's talk about the negative.

- My next day off isn't until next Tuesday. I have six full days and one half day until then.
- I am getting paid less than everybody else in my department, because of my lack of job experience.
- It gets really overwhelming at times. I even had a panic attack once.
- I found out yesterday that two of my coworkers have been making fun of how flat chested I am. And that hurt, that really hurt, because I am already feel really self conscious. And now that is even worse.
- We are really understaffed, so that is more stress on people working there.
- There are a lot of angry customers who like to yell for no reason, even bag handles.
- There are too many codes and procedures to remember.
- My coworkers keeps calling me sweetheart, and I don't even know why. And he likes to poke me.
- My other coworker (one of the ones making comments about my chest) keeps slapping me on the ass.
- My hours really kinda suck. I only have enough time before work to get ready. And, by the time I get home, it is already time to go to sleep.

And all of that is why I am going to edit my resume and apply to Starbucks and other coffee shops. I am totally miserable at this job. I'm surprised my hair hasn't started falling out. I don't know how to quit from jobs. But, once I know that I have another job set in stone, I am leaving this job so fast. It is just too much to deal with.

I really don't want to go to work in a couple of hours. I am so tired, you guys.