On Things and Stuff (Letters to People Who Won't Read Them)

Dear bitter married people trying to convince young happy couples that marriage is a mistake,

I'm really, genuinely sorry that you are unhappy in your marriage. I'm even sorrier that it fills you with so much resentment that you can't bear the idea that others could be happy in successful relationships while you feel trapped in a failed one.

But that is your problem, and you have to try to fix that. And you're not going to fix it by trying to pass the misery of your failed marriage onto young, happy couples. I'm happy in my relationship. We're good to each other, and we make each other better people, and we love each other, and I'm sorry if that makes you jealous or bitter or sad about the state of your life but I am not going to give up on my marriage before it starts just because you don't know how to fix yours.

In short, shut the hell up and leave me the hell alone.

***

Dear Fiance,

We're going to be married in TEN DAYS. Unbelievable. Everything is finally falling into place now. I'm so excited I can hardly think straight.

I still need to finish writing my vows. Also I still wish we could include the cats in the wedding ceremony.

I love you. =)

***

WARNING: If you don't want to hear a kind of pro-choice rant, then, y'know, skip this one. I know not everyone wants to hear about it, so.

Dear pro-life groups on campus,

I don't know what the hell possessed you to think that FINALS WEEK, when everyone is already grumpy and stressed and sleep-deprived and overwhelmed and frustrated and irritable, was the best time to plaster inflammatory and controversial messages all over the sidewalks around the library and bus stop, but wow. Dick move.

Especially when I'm on less than an hour of sleep. I respect that you believe abortion is morally reprehensible. I feel the way about putting tutus on chihuahuas. Come to that, I feel the same way about writing political messages on literally every square inch of sidewalk around the library during finals week, but we're not making THAT illegal are we?

My point is, your messages are ineffective at best and enraging and offensive at worst. But let me just address a couple of your points.

"Your mother was pro-life!"

...And you know that how? Because she gave birth? Pro-choice women give birth. Women have abortions AFTER they've had kids. And best of all, you know what? Yes, my mother did choose to go through with her pregnancy and give birth, twice. You know what the key word there is? "Choose." She made that decision all by herself, because she felt physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially prepared for pregnancy. That's the beauty of choice. Also you should maybe considering not talking about strangers' mothers during finals week either.

"Real men support life!"

You don't get to decide what makes a "real man." Furthermore, I'd rather surround myself with men who recognize me as an autonomous human being with control over my own body. I know it's easier to get men to agree with you, due to the fact that they don't get pregnant and go through childbirth and do all the things in between that change your body forever, but men really aren't part of the equation here.

"Respect women!"

Yes. Respect women. By telling them that if they accidentally get pregnant and are in no way prepared for that pregnancy, can not handle it physically or emotionally, and cannot afford prenatal care at all, that's their own fault, they should have thought of that before they opened their slutty legs, amirite?

You're entitled to your beliefs and you're entitled to share them, but the least you could do is be tactful about it and not act like others are lesser people for disagreeing with you. I really don't give a shit where you stand on the abortion topic, but just don't be such a jerk about it.

'KAY. IF YOU ARE SKIPPING THE RANTY LETTER GO AHEAD AND START READING AGAIN AFTER THIS POINT.
***

Dear Self,

I understand that you don't want to sleep. I know that sleeping right now means giving up literally all your free time. But you know what NOT sleeping right now means? It means having to work a busy shift this evening on literally no REM sleep and less than an hour of "dozing off and on" sleep.

Speaking of which, what the hell was your problem last night? Why didn't you sleep? Why couldn't you just close your eyes and lie still and drift off into peaceful dreamland rather than rolling over and getting comfortable and adjusting the position of your legs and getting up to pee and getting up for some milk and getting up to MAKE SURE THE CLOSET WASN'T ON FIRE (what the hell made you worry that it might be in the first place?!)? What is WRONG with you? Jesus I hate you right now. Take a damn nap. You need it.