How to Initiate Another Pregnancy Scare.

I'm really stupid. It's midnight and I have to be up in five hours for school, but that's not why I'm stupid. It's because I keep making the same mistake over and over and forcing myself to do something I'm going to regret.

I need to stop having sex until I get put on birth control.
A couple months ago I went through a really bad pregnancy scare that has really just damaged me mentally. It's hard for me to do anything sexual now without thinking about it and constantly wondering afterwards "okay, but can I get pregnant from him doing this? but I read online that this... and oh my god, did that get anywhere near this?"

It's really bad, and more often than not really dramatic thinking, but I just can't stop. That pregnancy scare seriously ruined my entire standing on sex, but here I am, still getting down even though I told myself I shouldn't.

Today my boyfriend came over for an hour because we needed to finish a project. I had already told him that I didn't want to keep having sex anymore until I got birth control, and he was 100% supportive of that. I don't know how many times he's assured me that our relationship isn't about sex and he's perfectly fine with waiting until I'm comfortable.

But we had sex on my prom night, and in my car two days later, and then sort of kind of today. What's different about today from the other days is that we didn't use a condom because he didn't have one and there was no need for it.

I told myself I was not going to have sex because these are my most fertile days of my cycle and I'm supposed to be ovulating soon. I'm not worried about what happened at prom + in my car because we did use a condom.

Dammit, but today we were kissing and I just saw it and I was thinking "I know he really likes to have sex without a condom and maybe he'll totally dig it if I just put it in" SO I DID. Like a complete idiot. But then I just sat there thinking to myself and moved up and down for like ten seconds, and then I got off because I was scared and mentally kicking myself in the face.

And I'm worrying again and I'm totally hating myself for thinking that having sex = better relationship and I should just do it even though I know I'll regret it later. My boyfriend was confused about why I initiated sex in the first place then asked kindly if I wanted to keep going, but I told him no and that he should go before my parents came back.

And now it's two hours later and I'm reading up all these stupid articles about precum and pregnancy still happening even if you get your period. I hate that the most. It seems like a lot of people get their periods and don't find out their pregnant until three months later, and I don't have time for that. I can't stop thinking about the WHAT IF because it'll never go away, no matter how many pregnancy tests I take and how many times I go over the scenario in my head. I feel tempted like I should get a pregnancy test, but then I tell myself I don't need to, and then I think I should because "oh, what if I'm pregnant from that one time like three months ago when we did it unprotected~~"

It's all so stupid.
Sex is stupid.

I'm clearly not a virgin, but I'm not ready to continue having sex anymore. I hate myself for thinking that I need to do it though in order to make him happy, even though he's told me it doesn't even matter. God, I hate that I regret it afterwards. I think that makes me the most upset, but I'd never tell him that.

Shout out to my ex for making me think this way in the first place.

But seriously: I'm done.
May 15th, 2014 at 09:13am