This Feeling Inside, I Can't Quite Describe

So.. as many of my friends know, I'm a huge, huge, huge Supernatural fan. By now most of you fellow fans have probably seen the season nine finale, if you haven't for the love of *insert your favorite character here* don't. If you value any feelings you may have left in reference to this show, please don't. And shouldn't probably shouldn't be reading this because it's going to have spoilers.

Sam and Dean Winchester are apart of my life. I don't see Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles, I see Sam and Dean. They will forever be Sam and Dean to me. I love Jared and Jensen as well. They're quite the actors, Jensen is actually my favorite actor among many. But Dean Winchester is... Gah how do I even describe this man. Along with being able to relate to both Dean and his brother (my mother died with I was three, granted it wasn't in the same way as their's, but I can relate), I feel like I've been on a crazy, wild, out of left field, heart breakingly long yet still amazingly awesome journey with them. They're more than fictional characters to me, they are a HUGE part of my life. I've cried so much during the seasons of Supernatural that I could probably fill a swimming pool, but season nine was the tip of the iceburg (until season ten starts and I will probably be in the nut house) because from the very first episode I've cried. There were a few episodes that didn't make me cry, but instead I laughed so hard I nearly killed over.

But then the season finale happened.

I knew the Mark of Cain wasn't going to good, per say, but I didn't know it was going to be this bad. First and foremost, the moment I knew shit was getting real between Metatron and Dean (when Metadouche started throwing Dean against the wall) the water works started. As I said, I love those boys and Dean Winchester is the love of my fictional life. But then it started getting worse. Metadouche started beating Dean up, it was like a replay of "Swan Song" all over again. And then the big moment happened. Metadouche stabbed Dean with a fucking Angel Blade. I wailed out in that moment because I was so helpless and it geniunely hurt me to have to watch that. Even now as I'm typing, I'm getting teary-eyed. I honestly missed most of what happened after he stabbed Dean because I couldn't see through the tears. Then Dean told Sam, "I'm proud of us" and I lost it even harder because if I'm not mistaken Sam has only been told that twice in his life, once by John (which, honestly, doesn't count because it's John) and then Dean. Which meant way more to Sam than we can even imagine. I honestly hope they're relationship get repaired next season, but see that's where the final part comes in. Lastly, Dean is a FUCKING DEMON! LIKE ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME PRODUCERS/DIRECTORS/WRITERS, ETC.?! You're seriously going to turn him into the one thing he hates most out of everything they've ever killed? DEMONS ripped his family apart. I mean, really?! But I digress. I haven't been the same since the finale, which was like a week ago? Maybe? I don't know. I want to cry all the time. It's hard to think about Supernatural, let alone watch it. They seriously ripped out what was left of my feelings and now I think I'm just a shell. Which I'm not cause I still cry. But I wish I could feel a damn thing. I want to hug Sam so tight and tell him we'll figure this out together. And I want to curl up with Dean's body (no, I don't find it gross) and hug him and cry even harder. Tell him I'm so sorry for everything that has happened to him. Tell him I wish I could take it all back and that he could have a normal life with his brother, his mother, and his father. Bring Bobby, Ellen, Jo, and Kevin back. Bring him back and not as a demon and go back and keep him from getting the damn Mark of Cain. Cause even if he hadn't died, the Mark would have killed him. I can't win for losing with this damn show. I'm done. I'm going to make myself cry if I keep going.