Recently this week it was time in my life for a deep self-relfection moment. It's a time when deep thought and conversation with God takes place over the problems within myself and finding the root to the problem and then like a root canal pulling them out without inflicting as little pain as possible. And by pain I mean emotional pain to replace the useless and bad things with the goodness of God. This article was written with great care, and emotion.
*WARNING* This post will contain some harsh truth, some terms and words that are not in normal every day talk, and some very revealing things in my life. For the sake of those who need to be lifted up and shown how Jesus works I am unashamed to write.
This time it was that age old enemy 'self-esteem' taking a severe punch to the gut. I struggle with my self image. My attitude some days are reflected upon how I feel about how good, or bad, I picture myself that day. Everyone that I know will tell me any day that I ask if I am handsome will tell me without any doubt in their voice that I look physically nice. But no matter what people said it literally does not go inside me, because I tell myself I know better. Inside I tell myself that no girl will find me attractive, inside I know without a doubt that I am probably the most less than average looking joe out there, inside I keep telling myself that because I don't have a completely slim stomach, a normal size butt, and a lumpy chest that I am the laziest looking couch potato to ever shame himself in the gym.
Who talked like this to me in my childhood to make me think this way? No one, absolutely no one did. It was all me beating myself down into this deceptive hole of misery. When I joke about myself I'm being brutally honest about how I feel about myself. When people tell me not to think that way, and that I'm a really nice looking guy, I thank them, and never take any of their words to heart.
Because I know better...
Pornography just made things worse, like it always does. There are a handful of articles around the internet that explain that porn changes a mans mind and changes their outlook on marriage, relationships, and women. For someone with extremely low self-esteem who believes in the deepest part of my soul that no woman will like me, it gives such a relief from that inward pain. It provided a playground where I can masturbate to women who would never give me the time of day. I was happy to have the illusion of having sex which I knew would never happen.
So I was just leading myself further and further down, as far down as possible so the Spirit could not convict me of my wrongs anymore. The guilt was just doing nothing but bothering me. And I got my wish. Every time I look back at those moments I wonder why didn't God just leave me right then. Wasn't that blasphemy? Wasn't I truly wanting nothing but lust and not God? This six year campaign surely was long enough for God to say enough, right? I still knew I was doing wrong, and yet I had the satisfaction that I wanted, even though I had to keep going deeper and longer just to satisfy one 'joyful' moment.
And why should I give it up? What did God have to offer that was better than fake sex? I read everywhere I could find anyone talking on the subject of masturbation, it's not a sin! It's not mentioned in the Bible specifically. Eventually I said, I was going to stop pornography eventually, it was just a phase. So what was God, who no longer convicts me, going to say or do for me that was better than this path that I was already walking?
Quite frankly? The answer is the realization of Hell.
It was probably the last revival that I've attended to date, but one of great importance. It was probably getting down to one of Gods last calls on my heart before he was going to give me over to myself. But I had reached a point where it took a pastor painting a picture of eternal torment, Hell, and if I wasn't living for God then I wasn't going to make it to Heaven.
I was scared into Christianity. It still happens; God saves people that way.
Was God worried about the way I viewed Him? Was He worried about me just being a christian to love him? Was he worried about religion or relationship? Was He caring what my past was, what friends I had, what song was being played, what pastor was preaching, where the church was, how much money I had in my pocket, how many Bible verses I knew, the philosophy of how he affected my heart? Was He worried that I was getting scared into Christianity instead of coming to Christ because I should simply love Him?
NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He was just worried about me.
Praise God! He cared. Even when the biggest loser on the Earth (me) didn't care about even my soul anymore, He still cared, and He literally saved me in the nick of time. At that altar He began a work in a way that only He knew right then would work, because He planned it out. The general love for Him would come later. The knowledge of Scripture would come later. The desire to serve Him would come later. The philosophy and understanding would come later. The neglect for religion would come for later.
The care to not have sex anymore came. A small seed of love came. The realization of my sin came. The sorrow and the redemption came. The guilt returned. The salvation came.
The battle to gain confidence and lose my self-esteem had just begun.
Many years later (six I think?) Gods great plan in my life had been revealed and God finally giving me the courage to talk to myself happened.
I have a friend who is also battling with self-esteem, and doesn't believe that they won't get a partner in life because of how they look. As I dwelled on this, thinking of what I could do to help my friend, I began to envision myself speaking to them, like I always do in most situations.
I imagined myself speaking in convocation and giving my testimony. But before Icould give it I imagined just screaming to the crowd, "GOD. DID. NOT MAKE. UGLY!!!" I imagined crying and shouting this truth and pleading on my knees for the people battling with low self-esteem to please listen, and stop listening to whoever was inside telling them they were not pretty, or handsome.
Then suddenly I heard an inaudible voice tell me, 'Now stop preaching to the crowd and preach to yourself'.
I know God's whispers anywhere...
Immediately, and with great pain and strength I told myself that truly, God did not make ugly. I pleaded on my knees to please listen to the words I'm saying and believe them. It was time to stop having this low self-esteem. It was time to believe that God makes beautiful things.
...And I listened.
I think God is wonderful because He works in my craziness. Yes what you read was me talking to myself, and planning out speeches in my head. I do that a lot. But for some reason I think it's okay because I'm sure other people do it and just don't admit it.
And God made me who I am, so I'm pretty sure He knew I would behave like this.
So now that I am beginning to believe that I am an okay guy (inside and out, including my flaws and weaknesses) I urge you too; believe in yourself. If you are like me and your biggest enemy is yourself, he is defeatable. If you want to overcome your low self-esteem then you can rest assured that God already has steps in motion to lead you to freedom and victory (hopefully it won't take you five or six years, if it does then you have me to encourage you and pray for your sanity, peace and patience).
I don't actually have Scripture for this blog, I'm still working on knowing Gods word, but so far I haven't found anything about self-esteem specifically. Could you help me out? In the comments if you know a verse that can encourage someone to know that they are wonderful creations you can put them there. That way we can all help each other learn more about the Word of God together!
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