Sexism and Rape Culture (Warning for Language)

This blog will be divided up into three parts:
1. The men I was around last night
2. Expectations of men and sex
3. How those expectations perpetuate rape culture

So, this will be a pretty damn long blog post. Feel free to skim if you want, but I just need to say these things.

PART ONE: THE MEN I WAS AROUND LAST NIGHT

So last night, I was out with my husband for his friend’s birthday party. We’ll call his friend B for Birthday.

This “birthday party” basically consisted of me, my husband, B, and two of B’s other friends having a few drinks and playing Mario Kart 8. Which would have been a blast, if it weren’t for B and one of B’s friends (who we’ll call…um…S, for Sexist, even though B is pretty damn sexist too) making the most disgusting comments about women I’ve heard in a while.

I mean, I know we’re all familiar with the term “objectifying women” but since I’m blessed to have good men in my life I forget what that sounds like sometimes. Until last night. Basically these two guys were sitting around arguing over who this coworker of theirs would fuck first, talking in graphic terms what they wanted to do to her, referring to her repeatedly as “that bitch,” talking about her like a conquest. They made it clear that fucking her was just a trophy they were racing to win and they gave zero fucks about the woman herself.

At one point B made a comment about wishing she’d shown up to the party—apparently she had been invited--so they could get her wasted and fuck her. Quite frankly, in that case, I am so, so glad she wasn't there. Because that, my friends, is called FUCKING RAPE.

And then S followed that up with a comment about how “You know you’ve scored when you fuck her ‘til she bleeds.”

I was so mad, I was shaking. I turned to S and told him, “Actually, if she’s bleeding that just means she’s not aroused and you just fucking suck at sex.” And I locked myself in the bathroom until the rage subsided because holy fucking SHIT what kind of grown-ass men think treating someone like that is acceptable? The golden part is, one of them HAS a girlfriend, who by the way is NOT the coworker they were talking about. I wonder if his girlfriend knows that’s how he talks about women or that he wants to fuck everyone he finds attractive (with or without consent, apparently).

Fortunately we left a couple hours after that. The original plan had been to stay the night, but to hell with that. Even beyond the way they talk about women, those guys are annoying as fuck when drunk. But after hearing their conversation, I’d rather not be around them any longer than was necessary.

I know it’s a common stereotype that every woman hates her husband’s friends, and that has never been true in the four plus years my husband and I have been together. I’m grateful for most of his friends, because they in turn have been good friends of mine. But these guys? Fuck them. The way they talk is despicable. Next time my husband wants to hang out with them I’m staying the fuck home.

PART TWO: EXPECTATIONS OF MEN AND SEX

The only plus side of all this is that it led to a good conversation with a friend of mine about expectations of men and sex. Men have an expectation to be masculine. Masculinity, according to society, includes always wanting/having sex. Basically, society tells boys and men that not only is thinking that way about a woman acceptable, it's necessary. It's how you act like a man.

By NO MEANS does that excuse the way some men behave or the way they think about women. Men need to take responsibility for themselves, too. Men need to recognize when they--and when other men--are being degrading. But the thing is, I'd be willing to bet these guys didn't even realize they were being sexist, didn't even realize that they were treating this coworker of theirs like an object. Because it seems to be what society tells them is the way men view women. It's natural, the way growing up in a big city makes taking the bus seem natural and easy where it isn't for a small-town person like me. It's what they grow up with, it's how society tells them to behave, and then when they talk that way, think that way, and act that way, nobody tells them "Stop, that's wrong, that's harmful." Instead, society says, "Yup, way to be a man! You fuck the hell out of those bitches!" Men who talk that way get a pat on the back from their comrades.

Even last night, there was a third person, who we'll call F for "Fuck it I'm sick of coming up with letters for fake names," who had a crush on the same person but did NOT want to have sex with her immediately and was visibly uncomfortable with the crude remarks of the others. And when they asked why he wasn't saying what he wanted to do to her, and he answered, "Because I don't really want to have sex with her yet, I just want to try a relationship," he was berated with: "Pussy!" "Come on, be a fucking man and fuck the bitch!" "What the fuck is wrong with you, how can you not want sex?" "What are you afraid of, you little bitch?" Both of the others just YELLING at this kid. All because they don't like his sexual decisions. That kind of mentality is fucking EVERYWHERE.

And no one seems to think there's a problem with that system.

Which leads me to the next point.

PART THREE: HOW THOSE EXPECTATIONS PERPETUATE RAPE CULTURE

So, we've got so many men saying they want to "fuck bitches," with or without their consent; men talking about women like land to be conquered and discarded; and then we've got society saying, "Atta boy!" and reinforcing that behavior. Which leads men not only to think of women as objects, but to treat them as objects. It leads men to think that it's totally acceptable to have sex with a woman who doesn't or can't consent, because they're getting that pat on the back for TALKING about it, so why not DO it?

And even when the act is done, society says, "Rape is bad! Rapists are horrible people!" but then tells rape victims, "You should've worn something else. You should've been somewhere else. You should've used the buddy system. You should've watched your drink. You should have drunk less." And so on and so forth. Basically: You should have known men would have sex with you and if you didn't want to have sex you should have protected yourself better. It isn't their fault. After all, they're just being men, right?

IN CONCLUSION:

People don't realize how harmful sexism is. Part of sexism is not only prizing men above women, but prizing masculine above feminine, so that a man who isn't manly is about the worst thing you can be. We create a culture where men are supposed to always want sex, which hurts men because it puts expectations on them of a role that they may not feel comfortable fulfilling. And it hurts women even more because women become the primary victims of rape culture (though for the same reason, men who are raped are mocked for not wanting sex or for being weaker than a woman, which is as just as awful as women being raped and blamed for it). And society raises men to believe that it's okay, that it's just how you act like a man.

When I called my dad today to wish him a happy Father’s Day, I contemplated thanking him for being a respectful man and for raising his son/my brother to be the same way. I really should have, honestly.