Goodbye Good Guy

Yesterday I broke up with my boyfriend, Kirkland. It was a hard decision, but ultimately it was for the best. He was overall the best boyfriend anyone could probably asked for, coming to my house just to drop off dairy queen, taking me out to dinner and movies without once letting me pay, and even last week he gave me a beautiful necklace and matching ring.

Despite all his greatness as a person, I had been feeling rather off lately when it came to the relationship. I figured that we would have worked out for a little longer than we did (almost two months, a few dates as well before being official) than we actually lasted. He was the first guy that I had felt comfortable with when it came to "advancing the relationship." Though we never had sex, he was the first guy that I went further than first base with.

Like all people, he had his good and his bad.

Bad:
- He sometimes had this way of talking that just sounded weird. He would make his voice go in different pitches or just say things in a manner in which he thought he was being funny, but it was actually just awkward.
- I could never quite tell if I was attracted to him or not. I know this may sound bad, but the majority of the time we were together I kept having to reassure myself that I did find him cute, but there were definitely moments which I found myself not to be. It's sad, but I do actually want someone that I am attracted to without having to think about it too much because for a relationship to work I believe that there needs to be that attraction. It just wasn't always there for me.
- He always wanted to cuddle or touch whenever we would watch movies or tv together. I'm not a cuddler, probably because I'm used to being single and not usually cuddling, but also because I find it weird and it can be nice, but only for the first minute or so. After that, it can get annoying and uncomfortable.
- He always tried to be sappy. I am not one for that kind of stuff. It makes me feel awkward and almost uncomfortable because I never know how to respond to it. It's all very nice, but it's not my thing.
- He wasn't the greatest kisser. You would think for a guy who has been around with other girls that he would know what he was doing. However, he didn't really know how to french-kiss. he would open his mouth and just leave his tongue there. Not the best. Very awkward. He also did not know how to kiss someone's neck. That is a very big turn-on, but he doesn't know what he is doing. Once again, very awkward. And whenever we were "advancing the relationship," it was like he couldn't do two things at once. His mouth seemed to stop working once his fingers got moving. I don't know if this is typical or not, but it wasn't great.

Good:
- He treated me far better than I deserved to be treated.
- He drove me around everywhere, took me out to dinners and movies and refused to let me pay for anything, even when we weren't dating.
- He and I were good couple friends with my friend Natalie and her boyfriend, Andrew. Now, we can't hang out as couples together anymore which is probably sadder than it should be
- He bought me jewelry. I don't know about you, but I think that is incredibly sweet considering how expensive it must have been. And for only having dated for a month and a half. It was an incredibly sweet gesture, but I kind of wished he hadn't done that because that was the point at which I knew i didn't want to continue this for much longer.
- He was the first to let me explore doing sexual things with. He knew what he was doing in that department, mostly. I got to finally see what a dick is like in person and got to practice giving a blow-job, which apparently was the best he had ever received. I was also his first when it came to going down on someone. Though he had been with around six other girls in sexual manners, I was the first one he went down on. He said I was the only one he felt comfortable enough with to do that.

In the end, the feelings had died. truth to be told, there weren't ever any what I suppose you would call "true feelings" for him in the first place. I never got the sensation of "Oh look! A text from Kirkland!" or the butterflies and all that. I was comfortable around him and thought "He isn't so bad." I wasn't too surprised with my decision. I did, however, think that he would be the first guy I would have sex with, even if just once for experience. But, once these feelings started, I knew I couldn't go through with it if it were to happen. I would only feel regret afterwards, and I don't want to live with that. It wouldn't be fair to him to continue this if nothing is there.