Complicated Me.

Sometimes I feel like I have no friends. I sort of know why in a way, but then again, I feel dumbfounded over the reasoning. For instance, I'm an introvert hermit who spends most of her day in fact, day dreaming of a fictional world I create and about my stories. I'd much rather sit at home and read, write, or watch TV than go out partying, drinking, hanging with any friends, shopping or anything else.

I mean yeah I like to get out ONCE in awhile with people to remind myself I'm not alone on this planet. That there is some small shred of ability in me to still be social with people. I'm just such a confusing person to my own self. It's like everything that makes me me, somehow contradicts with the other parts of me and it SOMEHOW works.

I don't understand it. At work, I make people laugh constantly. I'm a social butterfly basically if I actually like you and think you're a good person who won't insult me or be obnoxious. Like today, there's this one guy I work with who I'm constantly joking with and laughing with. We talk about fast food stuff and make fun of the food items in weird and dumb ways. It passes the boring time at work.

Conversation flows freely from my mouth while I'm at work. I get along well with the people I work with. I don't have to force or strain to make conversation with them. So when I leave work, all that disappears. I don't want to talk to anyone else. I just want to go home and have my down time. I talk to my husband constantly. He's the only person besides my grandma that I DON'T mind to talk to all the time. I just shut down when it comes to other people, though.

Like it used to be just with people in person. I'd get anxious and feel like there was tape over my mouth preventing me from talking to them. Like some invisible force made me backward and just....keep silent. I was/am the type of girl who always gets teased with, "Damn Mandie, stop talking so much. I can't get a word in." "Do you ever talk?" They obviously say these things in a rude manner or sometimes in a way that they think is joking, but it kinds of hurts. I don't mean to be like I am.

So much of it stems from my childhood and teen years where I suffered emotional neglect, brainwashing, and emotional abuse. Believe it or not, that shit carries over with you into your adult years. I've tried so many times NOT to be so quiet or socially awkward. It's tough to just stop being a way you've always been.

That's a lot of the reason why that now, I just try not to care what people think. So many people never stop and take the time to actually find out if someone has issues. To find out the truth that they have problems that prevent them from acting "normal" as people think they should. People think I'm stuck up or that I think I'm too good to talk to them because I don't talk their head off constantly. I used to care and feel bad about it but I finally realized I'm not going to base my life and how I should be just because of how people think I should.

It's all so daunting. Like my real life friendships have become awkward. I'm just weird around people. It takes so much out of me to push myself to be entertaining and engaging unless I'm forced into a setting with people such as work where I have to converse with them. If it's left up to me to make a move or talk to people, I won't because it's far, far out of my comfort zone. Plus there's the big fact that I just think most people are assholes because most of my experiences in the past were that way.

You end up trusting people and letting them in and then they go way out of left field and become just....total pricks! I've experienced this a lot with people so many times that it just gets mentally exhausting. I in a way, don't want to make effort with people now. Not because of my weird social shut down problem, but because I've come to loathe most people in general. I feel bad for saying that. I know I shouldn't hate humanity but more and more....each time I'm fucked over by someone, my conscience about the subject fades a bit more.

I know why I don't have friends now. I don't talk like I should sometimes. I'm distant. I'm weird apparently and have a weird sense of humor....but then...I feel like I do talk at times. I'm always trying to message people and start up convos with them just to get one word responses. What happened to people being animated and complex? What fucking happened to that? People walk around like mindless zombies a lot now. I've tried not to judge them because maybe they have issues of their own causing them to be that way. I just......feel alone sometimes.

Not because there aren't people I could talk to....but because no one seems to match my personality or is on the level where they want to talk to me in deep conversation. My head hurts from writing this. I feel crazy. Like two face. My rational side tells me that people are pricks and that I have tried to make friends but I can only do so much and they have to give back a bit for it to work, then my irrational side tries to tell me I'm the loser who scares people away. I just....I dunno anymore. I'm not depressed....just feel kind of hopeless when it comes to finding kindred spirits who truly understand me anymore.

Sometimes I take solace in a certain dream of mine. I can envision myself as one of those disturbed authors who lives out in the middle of the woods someplace in seclusion with only her maddening thoughts and novels to work with and keep her company. Maybe only emerging to town to get supplies and food every once in a while lol. Possibly several cats littering the porch to creep out anyone who comes by. Sigh....I'm a lost cause I think.