6/30/2014 *Continued Hiatus.

I sit and write this with tears in my eyes.

On top of financial trouble, job hunt trouble, vehicle trouble, I am now dealing with a break up. I have spent four years with this person and spent much time, sacrificed many things (including emotional/mental health), stepped out of my comfort zone and worked so, /so/ hard to keep the relationship healthy. I went above and beyond when others would have crumbled and left. I anchored myself down and fought for my love.
And while the break up is mutual, my tears are not in sorrow, but confusion. When it comes to love and affection, I am not the type to give it and i have a hard time receiving it. It makes me uncomfortable and throughout my life I have lost out on friends and people because I was unable to register their emotions as my own, I was unable to give them the proper words to help them through a rough time.

I am not lovey-dovey in person and while in text and theory it's fine, I do not like to be touched. This was a large problem for my partner, and I forced myself into their arms when they wanted affection and love, because I wanted to show them in a way that was not my own they were loved. But after four years, things begin to go stale.

My confusion lies within my own feelings; do I not love them because I cannot bring myself to give them the outward affection and love they need/desire? Am I broken emotionally because of this? Am I a bad person because I cannot bring myself to feel or understand particular heart-felt emotions toward them and others?

Am I broken? Am I ruined? Did something happen to go haywire with me when I was created?

I am struggling, emotionally. I bottle. I don't speak of such things because I don't need to. I write and I'm fine, I'm happy. I try to put the needs and desires of my partner above my own because I want nothing less than their joy and happiness, but when they tell me they no longer feel my love, what do I do? I don't.. I don't know.

I am lost and confused and we felt this was the best route to take -- to separate and in a few months come back and see how we feel. But it hasn't even been a day and I don't know what I am supposed to do. I know this is on me; there was no other issue what so ever other than my inability to express, to feel, no matter how hard I tried.

It is not that I do not love them, I do. I can barely even get the words out of my mouth to say it, even though I know and want to. But at the same time, I feel free, I feel an overwhelming amount of joy and freedom. I feel as though a burden has been lifted from my shoulders and I no longer have to stress or worry if they are going to look upon me with depression or sadness because I cannot express my love.

And even then, I feel awful for feeling such a way. How can I feel so happy to lose someone when I love them so much?

What am I supposed to do?