Sometimes it makes me feel like I have a big ego simply because I think I'm good enough to review other people's work, but I honestly do think I know a bit about grammar and how things should feel when the readers read your work. So that's why I do it. :)
This time, I'm taking a look at firecracker.'s Supernatural Fan-fiction, Crossroad Blues featuring Dean Winchester and her OFC 'Rascal'.
Like always, I'll start with the layout and summary! The banner is really well done and the blood definitely fits with the Winchesters. I like how Dean is looking in her direction but not actually looking at her and she doesn't even see him. I think you used really good pictures. The background color matches the muted color of the blood so that works, but I don't understand the bird stripe down the left side of the content box. If the finches play into the story later on then that's awesome, but otherwise they're pretty random.
As for the summary, any Supernatural fan would understand it perfectly and it even throws us for a loop because referring to her "wrinkled hands" made me think that she was selling her soul for youth and beauty like many SPN cameo characters. Which made me think that the first chapter was a throw back to when she was still old. Even though I was wrong, I think it enhances the story because we have no idea what's happening until you tell us.
Although with the summary, I was thrown off because I thought Dean's name at the bottom would be a link taking me to attractive photos of him. Haha. Whoops. My bad.
I was pleasantly surprised by how good the writing was in the beginning chapters. It flows nicely, there's a good amount of detail, and the interactions between the brothers are incredibly realistic (which is good because that's what a lot of us love about those two). The only thing that I noticed that was wrong with the second chapter is the punctuation before the speech tags. Like a lot of other writers, you're using a period where there should be a comma.
What you wrote:
"Because I have a feeling it's not done." Sam spoke slowly, frustration laced through his words.
What it should be:
"Because I have a feeling it's not done," Sam spoke slowly, frustration laced through his words.
It's one simple little punctuation mark, but it makes a big difference. The sentence isn't over after the dialogue, so there shouldn't be a period until the very end. Whatever goes together shouldn't be separated by a period. It's a mistake that way too many writer's make and it's really frustrating to readers who know that it's not supposed to be like that.
In the next couple of chapters, it would be cool to see more description between the dialogue and during. It's there, but it could be expanded through out the entire chapter. It doesn't have to be description, then dialogue (with one line of description), then description. You can throw some more in there while everyone is talking and it will make it easier to read so much speech. Example:
What you wrote:
“For now. That demon’s going to be back though.” Sam said from his position leaning against the doorframe.
“I’ll put someone else on it. I found a lead on a way to fix Dean’s problem.” Sam visibly perked as Dean shook his head and sighed.
What you wrote just jazzed up with more description:
"For now. That demon's going to be back though," Sam said from his position leaning against the door frame. He tiredly rubbed his hand across his face as he watched Dean teeter on the edge of his chair, struggling to keep his balance as he leaned back too far.
Bobby spoke up, regaining his attention, "I'll put someone else on it. I found a lead on a way to fix Dean's problem." He fiddled with a few haphazardly strewn papers and let out a few choice words as Dean caught his balance and slumped forward on his chair, letting out a sigh as Sam stood straighter.
1. It brings more characterization to the boys. It can help to show off all the facets of their personalities. The little things they do sometimes say more than what they speak, so description can bring so much more into a story.
2. It shows a whole scene and makes it read more smoothly, rather than just some description tacked on at the end.
3. It makes the chapter longer.
In chapter four, when Dean says they're being followed, I personally think it could use a little more build up. Even just one sentence more when he's thinking about being helped. Maybe something like: "He was pulled from his thoughts by a glimpse of memory that he couldn't quite place" or something more Deanesque. Just a thought! Feel free to ignore it.
Despite my nit-picky review, I honestly really like this story and will definitely subscribe and read the rest of it. The characterization is really good between the brothers and their relationship is really similar, if not practically spot on, to what it is in the show. There are a couple of moments where it tapers off, but otherwise it's a really good rendition of Sam and Dean. I can appreciate someone who can imitate that kind of complicated relationship.
Your writing is honestly good. It seems like it comes pretty natural to you and you naturally change and develop better habits and skills the more you write. To anyone reading this review, the story is worth a shot. Those of you who aren't part of the Supernatural fandom might not understand all the references, but you'll get the gist of it and that'll probably be enough to keep your interest.
The relationship between Dean and Rascal can either be really interesting and strong or lacking so I'm excited to see how it develops. I would probably give this story four stars just because of how naturally this seems to come to the author. (& if it doesn't, then she's just doing a really good job of hiding it.)
To get that fifth star, the punctuation would have to be focused on and changed because it disrupts the natural flow of the story to have those periods in and you would need to make sure that every sentence and interaction between the Winchesters is just as strong as the one before it.
These boys are hard to write right, so all of it needs to be spot on rather than having a few spots where it sort of lacks that intense, funny, hate-love feel between them. You're doing a really good job at it, but just make sure that every scene with them is as strong as the last- particularly when it's just the two of them interacting. That's what most of the SPN fans love the most (the interactions between the main characters). I however, love Bobby the most. ;)
I would definitely recommend this read to anyone. Maybe the Supernatural fandom the most seeing as they'll know exactly the relationship between the brothers and be able to appreciate the likeness, but also people wanting to get into the fandom, seeing as this is just a great read.
P.S - thank gosh my internet stopped being strangely slow because the links in this review would've pushed my patience. :p