I can honestly say I know very few true things anymore. I don't want this to be some sort of depressing, whiny blog because I hate that. I would just like to share my life, and because sometimes I just need to talk and I don't think people would honestly like what I have to say. So I'll say it to my computer and maybe find someone who understands.
My name is Kate and I used to be a gymnast.
I say 'used' in a loose way. I still am technically, but with a back injury leaving me barely able to walk some days and waiting for surgery on my wrists I guess I can't count myself as one any longer. It deeply saddens me, seriously, I would give anything to go back in time and be more careful. Safer landings, less strain, resting when I knew I was in pain. But I didn't because that would have meant limiting my improvement and I want to be the best. I still do, I just have to try and come to terms with the fact that I'm unfit and am at a gymnastics club that doesn't keep the same standards as it used to, and will never have a team at Europeans or even the British Championships anymore.
But, I'm going to University in September, meaning I'm moving away from home and will hopefully get into a new team that has a better chance of qualifying for the British. It might sound selfish, and maybe I am, because I am a teamgym gymnast, meaning I compete in a team. But I want to be in a good team. Surely that isn't too much to ask?
The bad side of gymnastics is also in my weight and body shape. Two weeks ago I weighed 9st 5lbs and I hated it. My best friends are all super skinny and weight under 8st. They're smaller than me so I expect some difference but my ideal weight is 8 st 5lbs. This has been playing on my mind a lot I guess, and I've started restricting. I lost 4lbs since I last weighed myself two weeks ago and I've never been happier. I know a lot of people would say starving myself to lose weight isn't good, but I don't see it. My only issue is my mum keeps making me eat and I've got to the point where it's making me want to be sick when I put food in my mouth. I usually have one meal a day when I'm home alone, and can easily go for 24 hours or more without food, so hopefully I'll carry on losing weight. I've also started conditioning at gymnastics and my muscle is returning from when I was on rest for a few months.
Has this become whiny?
The other big thing in my life right now is the fact that my boyfriend of 17 months is leaving on Monday to join the army and will be 4 hours away from me. I won't be able to see him for 7 weeks at a time and it's really upsetting me. I feel guilty for being upset because I know he is really excited. He's been the best friend I could ask for, and although we don't have a lot in common he's made me a better person. I'm trying to be supportive of his dream but I'm letting my feelings get in the way. Once again suggesting I'm a selfish person.
So that's basically my life at the moment. Thanks if you've read it but I don't count on it. Sometimes it just helps me think clearer if I write things down.
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