Wow, I haven't updated any of my stories in...what, three months?
A lot has happened since I last updated (April 15th.) and I feel like I owe an explanation.
So if you're reading this, all I ask is that you read with an open mind. Some people don't understand things like this, and if you're one of those people, I hope I don't confuse you too much.
This is my story of the last few months.
The beginning of April started like any other. The only remarkable thing that I could say happened that month was my dad decided that we no longer needs to go to family therapy because it "wasn't helping him any", although it proved to be great for my mom and I. I began to lose motivation for basically everything I once enjoyed, and that especially includes writing.
As the month further went on, I could feel myself slipping further and further into the deep, dark hole of Depression (for those who don't know, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder back in October of 2013, but I suffered with it for at least four years). I began to lose pieces of myself, and I started questioning what was real and what wasn't, because it began to all feel the same for me.
With the pressures of school, the thought that my dad could care less about my recovery, and my own self-deprecating behavior, I had finally had enough. One day I went on a suicide site (can you believe there are actually sites that promote that kind of stuff?) to find a method to kill myself. I found one, and I also formulated two other back-up plans in case that one didn't work.
With my plans in mind, I went to my school counselor on a Tuesday morning near the end of May. I told her, in summary, that "if I don't get help soon, or if the help I get suddenly ends, I have a couple different ways that I'm going to kill myself."
My dad had to be threatened with Child Protective Services in order to take me to the Suicide Crisis Center.
The Crisis Center sent me to behavioral/mental health facility, where I was incarcerated for six days. I got out on May 19th, 2014. Luckily, they froze my grades so I didn't have to worry about failing any finals or classes. The hospital set me up with therapy, individual this time, with a nice South American lady named Sharita.
About three weeks went by. My parents continued to fight, my dad continued to put my mom down (like he has for the last 15 years or so), and the pressure from both of my parents to get a job and do something with my life once again became too much. I went back to self-harming. I spent many nights staying up late crying, screaming, wondering what was so wrong with me and if I was crazy.
I began to isolate myself even more than usual. Mealtimes were sporadic -- sometimes I'd eat a good three meals a day, sometimes I'd eat a meal and graze the rest of the day. Some days I wouldn't eat at all and not even notice until late at night. I always felt like I was losing my mind, or losing my touch with reality. Everyone I have talked to acted like what I was feeling was wrong, or that I was completely overreacting. I began to question myself, and not knowing the answers to those questions nearly drove me wild.
I attempted suicide by overdose on a Sunday evening, then on the Friday afterwards, I broke down and wrote a suicide note. My friend found out about it, called the cops, and they took me back to the Crisis center. Once again, for the third time in 9 months, I was put back in the hospital for another six days.
I got out around June 26th. Now I have a case manager, a therapist, therapy group, an Independent Living group, and a psychiatrist with a whole medical team on my case. I'm going to some type of therapy about 4 or 5 times a week.
The past few months have been hectic for me, and I'm honestly surprised at myself that I haven't completely caved in and went through with the plan. Sometimes I still think about it, but now I know that I am getting the help I need, and that if I just hold on, I can overcome this.
So, I apologize for not being as regular about updating. I believe that it'll be better this time around -- not exactly every week or every few days like I'm hoping for -- but at least more than just once every three months.
If you read all of this, thank you for listening. ♥
-Talisha
Not registered?
Create an account