Hey Everyone!

Well,

I don't know what to say and I don't want to make any excuses for my absence. There is just a lot that has been going on and it's nothing bad either. I have a family, one where we go out and do things with the kids and hang out and just have fun. So that takes up a lot of free time and then I now have a job working in a day care and I love it! I love the kids and it just flies by every time that I'm there. It's a job that I can see myself working in but it's not really a great income. I only make minimum wage, but it's a good starting point right? At least I'm bringing in some money. At least I can pull my weight a bit around the house and to do all these things. I don't have to borrow money from anyone and it feels good to know that you had earned that money by working hard. But do I plan on staying there a long time? No, I plan on staying there until I can graduate from school with my Bachelors in Computer Science. I'm only a little bit away from having my associates in that degree and in the field. I just hope that I can get my classes done and get that job that will boost the income. I want to be able to take care of my family and to give them the things they need and spoil them, how I wanted to be growing up.

Growing up it was hard for my mom and dad; they had split and my mom worked in a factory. Plus they have five kids together and money doesn't even go far anymore. I'm sure it's easier now that all of her children had flown the nest, but we were lucky to get some of the things we did when we are little. So it makes me want to spoil the ones that I love and it's hard when you don't have the income for that. When you have bills to help pay and other things to get; which makes me feel good but one day I will be able to do more than I am right now and I hope that it will be soon. I have been looking for another job but that isn't going well and I haven't had any call backs either, but I'm thinking that when I get my license it will be easier, but I have to tell myself one thing at a time. I can't make things go faster and I really need to stop otherwise I just bring myself down. I want to do it all and when I want to do it all, I want to do it all right now and let's just say it disappoints me. When that happens I'm not the most pleasant person to be around.

I just want to say that if it wasn't for Rae, I wouldn't have anybody and I wouldn't feel important. She really gives her all in order to make me happy and everyone else; but it's especially me because lately I have been hard to please. I know it's my fault because I expect so much and do so little. I've been trying to do more and I'm really trying to get my act together and to stop acting like some selfish child that doesn't get her way. That isn't how I am and I know that she didn't fall in love with that person and I just need to stop before I lose her and my family. They all mean so much to me and they have been so amazing to me. Every single one of them and I just need to smack myself in the face. I really do. I'm such a brat at times.

I really need to stop acting like I do. I need to stop making her feel bad for trying to make me happy. We just had so many plans but money just is too tight for them. We were supposed to get married the weekend of our big one year, a small ceremony just for her and I. Just something to be tied together by law, but we were going to have a big one when e had more money and everything. But we are waiting on some papers to go through. We cancelled camping because she was stressing about the money and I understand that. I do because we don't have it and she even told me that I could go but I want to go as a family, you know? So I wasn't going to go without her and it's a yearly thing and we can always start saving up and going next year.

I know that I am the problem and I'm selfish. I just need to stop thinking that I'm entitled to things when I am not and just enjoy what I have and be happy with what I do have. I'm very lucky to have someone who loves me and people who love me and care about me.

Thank you all for listening.

Also I'm trying to work on things too, but it's been hectic.