I know, its been a long time since I made a post but I went on another vacation only this time it was out of town. I also came back to see a $1 J. Cole concert which was amazing and if you all don't know, J. Cole is pretty much my favorite rapper alive right now and I love him and I got to touch his hand. I'm going to leave a link to one of his songs that I love below that I'm sure most of you have never heard. It was when he first started out, I guess so its not the best sound quality. But anyway, to the story.
Somehow I forgot to mention that along the lines of me hanging out with Johnny, we had a discussion. Somehow we got to talking about Jasmine. That's when I found out that Johnny had sex with Jasmine. But I found this out before we had sex (I know, I'm so out of order). Even before we got to the time we had sex, I almost insinuated that I wouldn't mind if he had sex with me and he suggested that things would be awkward between me and Jasmine. Things didn't get awkward though, because I'm not the type of person to be strange in regards to situations like that.
But with that new information, it explained Jasmine's attention towards Johnny. I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but Jasmine is a super loner and hardly talks to anyone ever. But she paid the most attention to Johnny. I knew that it was because she liked him because she told me that she did (again, before we had sex) and I told her that I did too so it was fair game in my opinion. So she had her little crush on him. The only problem was that Johnny didn't like Jasmine the same way. She had confessed to him that she liked him, with my suggesting, one day when I was hanging out with him. This is a crazy story but I was convincing her to just tell him so she wouldn't be going so crazy like she was. I was telling her this while I was hanging out with Johnny (through text, of course). Granted, I alrealy knew how Johnny felt about Jasmine and that she was just a friend that he probably would never date. She told him while I was there. I saw him respond to the text and everything. I played dumb over text asking her what he said. She said what I knew he would say. I didn't discuss this with Johnny until later in our lives, but he wasn't mad about it or anything.
Going into the next semester in school I was going to move out to live closer to school. The stresses of commuting was getting to me along with the rules my parents were trying to put on me because it was getting hard for me to accept their rules, espcially since my mother can be a phychopath (she's getting on my nerve right now) and frequently exhibits irrational outbursts of anger, and likes to place irrational rules on us based on her emotions which drives me crazy. My parents also blame me for everything and I get in trouble for almost everything and it gets extremely annoying. So I had to go.
Along with leaving, Johnny had just graduated from school but didn't want to go home because he felt at the time that he would have better oppurtunities in Durham than he would at home. But he only made that decision because I offered him a place to stay. I was going to let him live with me for a while if he got a job, but I wasn't going to make him pay rent because I'm that nigga.
Unfortunately I found out that I couldn't have a roommate at the place where I stayed because my landlord was more of the money hungry type. So I tried to sneak him in for a little while but the manager of that piece of shit place found out that I was trying to get him to stay and said that he couldn't live there. Again more rules that I didn't like. So he ended up moving. I wanted him to stay with me and I was even excited about it. Because I really liked Johnny and I anticipated his closeness, but things rarely go the way I want them too, and I've accepted that. And guess where he moved guys... TO JASMINE'S PLACE! It was okay with me, though. I was actually happy that he was going to stay so close and not just move all the way back home. Only for a second I had an irrational thought about him staying with her and him ending up liking her, but some things just weren't meant to be.
The distance away from him was good, though. The only time I really got to see him was during school. We were still slightly on te down low about our affairs but it wasn't like I tried to distance myself from him anymore. During the beginning of the time he was there he would stay in the painting room for long hours to paint for a show he was participating in called RAW artists or something like that. It was taking place in Raleigh which was close and was also another reason why he wanted to stay in Durham for a little longer. Some times when I had a break between classes I would talk to him for a while. One thing I appreciate about him although I also found it almost surreal, was that it seemed no matter what he was doing, he was always willing to talk to me, even when I was talking about the most uninteresting things. It almost made me mad, like, why are you listening to this stupid shit? He would show disinterest sometimes but he never told me to stop talking or to shut up.
My time spent with him was really short, though. I don't even think we were having sex that often. I honestly can't remeber. At that point the sex was just like... mandatory. There wasn't a whole bunch of thrill that went into it. Not saying it was bad, it was just like... almost like the thrill you would get if you were to have sex at you parents house hoping they wouldn't come home. Or if you were outside hoping no one saw. Or anticiaption for some good head, or being blindfolded, or kisses all over. Shit like that. We were truly just fucking and ducking. Almost like we were using each other sex wise, but were still good friends.
But he pissed me off big time for the first time ever. It was when he had his show in Raleigh and I bought a ticket to support him and went to the show. The crazy thing is that I hung out with him before the show. We talked and chilled for a while and I liked it. But eventually I had to leave because I had to pick some people up including his best friend Cephus. He didn't want me to go but I wasn't going to dis my friends and all. I'm not the type to put my feeilngs before my rationality, like my parents can do at times. But both of my parents are emotional (scorpio-mom and cancer-dad) and I'm "cold" (capricorn). So I left to get them.
When we got there, when the show actually started, that's when Johnny seemed to act different towards me. There was this girl named Keisha who lived with Jasmine (Also a capricorn along with me and Johnny. We both have a thing for capricorns for some reason) and he was showing her a lot of attention. That didn't bother me, what bothered me was that it was like he was giving me a cold shoulder, like he was putting on a front. That was what made me a little mad. But I still didn't pay it much mind. Instead I talked to his friend Cephus a lot and clowned with him because Cephus was hella funny and cool. It was the last straw, though, when I was in a conversation with him and my our Thurmond when I said something and Johnny put his hand in my face in like "just shut up" fashion. For most people that might not have done anything, but for me it's a trigger because when I was in elementary school, I was bullied a lot. The kids never let me have a voice and a lot of times when I would try to stand up for myself or engage in conversation, they would put their hand in my face, constantly. I hated it so much, so Johnny doing that lit a fire in my stomach. I was mad at him the rest of the night because I didn't like his little front or whatever he was putting on and that fucking hand in my face.
Of course at the end of the night I ended up taking him back to Jasmine's place because my friends wanted to go to a hookah bar and we were there for a long ass time. Keisha wanted to go home and Jasmine was her ride. So I was stuck taking Johnny back. The whole time I was giving him the silent treatment while he was trying to engage in conversation. I was lackluster and half assing. Eventally I think I told him that I was upset and why I was upset, then he tried to appologize and asked if I wanted a hug. I declined and just told him to go. I drove home and cried like a loser. I don't know why the fuck I got all soft and cried. Actually, it was because it took me on a train of thought about the kids I grew up with and how my best friend Xylia witnessed their cruelty and then I thought about her fucked up situation which takes me to a dark place.
I'm not the one to hold grudges though so I was only mad with Johnny for a couple more days. But I must admit that I slightly built a wall up after that that took a little time to fall down. I build walls easily. Anytime he would come to my place I wasn't as openly nice to him. We didn't have sex all the times he was over. And from what I remember, our relationship at that time was in a gray zone of fuckery and shitty weirdness. I had feelings for him that he didn't share and I was denying truths. He was (and still kind of is) a scarred puppy with issues with commitment and vulnerablity. He said to me once that he wasn't afraid of being vulnerable but I see right through him lying to himself. At that point, I didn't know what to do. Ria was in my ear telling me to move on from him, but I didn't want to take advice from her because I felt like it wasn't smart to just say fuck him.
But things really started to change after something happened causing him to move back home.
J. Cole - "[url=http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=f3LiOEGSvjwjNo Holding Me Back[/url]"
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