Tonight has not been a good night for me, for many reasons. Actually, the whole day hasn’t been so hot. And I wish I could just send the sadness and the random unstoppable tears away forever but I can’t. I couldn’t even bring myself to speak to my own parents today, I felt so sick. I hate puking, but I’d almost prefer it to this—this empty pit inside of me that is so dark and so void of anything but hurt that it damn near kills me. I don’t even know why I feel this way. I was normal yesterday. I baked cookies yesterday. Today I couldn’t even get out of bed.
My boyfriend works a lot, and it’s not his fault. I don’t blame him, nor am I upset with him for it. I’m proud of him. I’m happy he works so hard to provide for himself. The only problem with it is he’s gone for weeks at a time, working all day everyday, and he really gets tired of it. He gets sore all over and he gets a rash from the stuff he has to work with and he gets cranky and he misses me and I miss him. But then he comes home for 2-3 days and even though it’s usually during the days that I work, we spend as much time as we can together and it’s fantastic. I’m the happiest I have ever been when I get to spend time with him and I’m so thankful for those days or half-days or even an hour where I get to be with him. But the days in between that can stretch anywhere from 4 to 17 in a row are some of the longest, hardest days for me. I went from falling asleep with his arms around me and my head on his chest to falling asleep by myself at 2 AM because I couldn’t get comfortable. I have nightmares ranging from 1-5 per night and they wake me up and keep me awake anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour. He sends me a text at 6 AM when he wakes up for work and I reply when I get up, and then he texts me at 5 or 8 PM when he’s done work and we talk until we fall asleep. Sometimes we Skype. But it’s really hard to only text a person that you miss so much it makes your heart hurt. And I almost loathe how lonely and sad I get when he’s not here. First of all, I feel selfish. I know he has to work and make money so he can continue to rent his house and buy food and everything else, yet here I am sad because he’s away doing that and I don’t have anybody to cuddle with or kiss goodnight. That just sounds so ridiculous to me when I really think about it and I have to give myself a mental slap. Second of all, I was single for years before we started dating and I grew very accustomed to being alone and depending solely on myself for happiness. But now he’s here and he makes me so happy that I don’t like being alone anymore. I’d rather be with him than be alone. And it scares me to depend on somebody so much for that stuff. Because what if one day that all gets taken away? I mean, I don’t want to think about that, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a possibility. I can’t see the future. Obviously I really hope that never happens and at this point in our relationship it absolutely seems impossible, but we haven’t been dating for that long yet. We don’t say “I love you” or anything like that yet. But still, it scares me and I don’t want to put that much dependency on him. But it’s so hard not to when just the thought of him makes me so happy.
When he’s gone I miss him a lot, so I try to stay occupied and doing stuff so that way I won’t have time to focus on missing him too much. And I had to go to the bank today so that kept me occupied for a little while, but I was so sad and anxious at the bank that I could hardly even talk there. I barely said a word to anybody. My mouth felt glued shut. My mind said things but I physically couldn’t spit out the words. So then I got home and I crawled into bed and I stayed there until supper and I didn’t move the entire time. I fell asleep for maybe 15 minutes, I honestly don’t even know. Maybe I didn’t sleep at all. But after supper I went back to my bed and I started to really, really miss him. I watched some YouTube videos, a couple episodes of some shows, anything to try and occupy my mind. It sort of helped, but every video comes to an end and I can’t watch things for too long or else I’ll get bored of it (unless it’s One Tree Hill. I’ve watched that series probably five times over and I want to watch it all again). So then I sunk deeper into this little hole of depression and it sure as hell took my mind off of missing him. It just made me feel like shit. I couldn’t think of anything, not even missing him. I got a nasty headache and I tried to fall asleep early but of course I couldn’t. I read my book for a little bit and then got bored of that. I tried to write a chapter for a story but I didn’t want my emotions to leak into my words and spoil my character’s mindset so I stopped. My last-ditch effort was going on Tumblr.
Tumblr is sort of a hit-and-miss when you’re sad. You’ll either see something so incredibly funny or silly or stupid that it’ll instantly cheer you up, or you’ll see some really depressing, sad, real shit and it’ll make you feel even worse than you already do. I saw some interesting stuff, some cute stuff, some sad stuff, some annoying stuff, and then I saw something I wasn’t expecting to put a smile on my face. It was this A Day To Remember gif and I remembered going to their concert with my boyfriend—who at the time was just my best friend with a girlfriend—and it was so much fun and at the time we both sort of had feelings for one another, and he stayed by my side the entire time, even when I felt like I was going to pass out and had to get out of the main crowd because it was so crowded and hot, so I went and stood in the back, kind of far away from the stage. I told him to go back in and enjoy the concert closer, that I was feeling better and would be okay by myself. He kept saying no, though. He wouldn’t leave me. And thinking about that tonight reminded me of how great he is. How, even when we were friends in high school, if I was feeling shitty like I am tonight and he found out about it, he’d instantly become protective of me and make sure I was alright and try all he could to make me feel better. No one else has ever done that for me, not before they judged me or gossiped about it behind my back anyway. And it put a smile on my face for a second, thinking about it. Thinking about how lucky I am and how much I appreciate him for doing all he does and still putting up with me when I have crappy days.
I also saw a quote while on Tumblr that I could really relate to. Both my boyfriend and I are really indecisive; it’s a curse. Trying to figure out where to go out to eat sometimes is like trying to solve a Rubik’s cube with only one hand. But this quote said something like “I rarely ever know what I want, but it doesn’t take much for me to know I want you” and it was so true for me. Even though I might not know how I want to spend my day or where I want to go or what I want to eat, the one thing I’m always 1000000% sure of is that I want to be with him. It sounds so sappy but please don’t judge me. If you don’t understand it now, someday I promise you will.
Anyway, I’m feeling really shitty again so I’m going to go lay down. I just needed to talk in a place where no one really listens, so to speak. These things go unnoticed more often than not and I’m okay with that. Here’s hoping tomorrow will be easier.
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