I recently... well, "came out" isn't precisely accurate; I was asked very pointedly and out of the blue by my mother, became discombobulated, my defenses were slow to recuperate, and I... came out.
So, I am out now to my mom, one out of five siblings, and my mom's boyfriend.
My mom has been incredibly supportive, which isn't something you let yourself expect. She said that she had always had suspicions, but oddly enough, it was seeing my signature that tipped the scales for her. I write like a man [insert furious eyebrow action here]
All in all, she has had time to adjust and come to terms with everything.
My brother, too, has been supportive; he accepts it.
My mom's boyfriend is supportive.
I don't imagine my other siblings being so gracious, I rather suspect they'll react in varying degrees of disbelieve, unease, and denial, and maybe attempt to convince me otherwise.
We'll see though.
I'm starting transition soon though, and that is largely what this entry is going to be about, it's going to be about body image.
My body is a good body, as these things go, I'm tall (5'10" and still subject to growth spurts), I am athletically built (despite the fact that I abhor exercise), I have broad shoulders, and low fat, and I'm strong.
It's that whole "long lines and smooth planes" thing.
But I am dysphoric, because though my shoulders are broader than my hips, and my legs are thin and muscular, I know that I don't cut a masculine shadow. Not like this.
This is why I want to go on testosterone, to shift the fat from "female zones" to male ones, to allow me to bulk up a bit, to lower my voice, and sharpen my jaw.
These things are important to me, because that is who I am, I'm not any of the things people see.
But in this, I have to acknowledge certain things, things like; taking testosterone and getting top surgery will not give me a typical male experience. That is something I will never have. I will have a trans-male experience.
I think of these things, and I feel a little angry, angry at this body, angry at chromosomes, angry at a fate I don't believe in but is convient to imagine when you need something to blame.
But conversely, I have never had a typical female experience, and I'm not ashamed to be transgender.
In the end I see human beings as adaptive creatures, we make due, and we innovate, and if necessity is the mother of invention, then my transition, and the methods of my transition? They will be another extention to homosepien ingenuity, and that's brilliant.
The other thing I have had to acknowled is that to a large degree I am reinventing myself.
Ha, does anyone remember the Doctor Who episode "The Christmas Invasion" when the Doctor was still in regeneration mode, and aboard the Sycorax ship? He says "What kind of man am I?
I feel like that. What kind of man am I? I'm introverted, and sarcastic, and sometimes I'm an ass, and sometimes I'm oblivious, and I do my best to be polite, and treat others with respect, but sometimes I fail. That all translates differently as a man. Am I charming? Am I funny? ...Do I wear chinos?
I don't know who walks away from this, yet it's the most "me" I will ever have the opportunity to be. It's confusing.
Furthermore, and this is more towards the trans community than of myself, the one thing that I have reflected on, and feel very strongly about is this:
There is no one kind of man, and no one kind of woman; we exist in grey, never in black or white.
Being transgender comes with enormous body dysphoria, and it's an open wound, we pick at it, we feel it all of the time, and this isn't helped by images of what is considered desirable of men and women.
This I think is worse for transwomen, since there is an enormous amount of pressure and ridicule as to what defines an attractive women, and it generally leans more towards "whore" than Madonna in the dychotomy. Resist that.
Resist being a stereotype, resist the black and white. You were an individual before transition, you will be an individual after.
Transguys, if you don't like bugs, and like to shop too much? Meet my brother, he shops till I want to fall over, and the right bug will make him scream. He wants to be a cop.
And transwomen, if you like to camp, if cars get your motor running? Meet my mom, she is femme through and through, but loves to camp, and has a serious love affair with cars. She also enjoys sensible shoes, and has hair about three inches long.
So don't modify your personality, your body is your stumbling block, your mind is not.
Just be yourself, forget the pictures and the stigmas, alright?
Transmen are under a lot of internal pressure to be "man enough", and that is such a relative place. Just be you.
And that's it for today.
I'm probably going to document my transition as it progresses, I think that would be helpful to me to stay grounded and organized, and also helpful for anyone in a similar place, but also to inform people a bit, break down that wall a bit more.
Please leave a comment if you feel inclined, I'd really like to know what you guys have to say.
-Harper
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